Holiday Greetings From Clark W. Griswold

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."

or

"Hey... If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?"

Take your pick.

Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanza.

2009 Brian Wright Fantasy Camp

We're now accepting applications and payment to the Brian Wright 3-Day Weekend Fantasy Camp being held in Honolulu and Las Vegas on October 23-25 (that's a Friday through Sunday). Attendance only costs $100,000 for the greatest weekend of your life. It should be a great year this year, with a lot of movies and music celebrities and sports figures contracted and excited to be a part of this wonderful event. The schedule just came in, so let's take a look:

FRIDAY

7am - 8am: Arrivals at the Kahala Hotel & Resort in Honolulu, Hawaii. Guests will meet in Board Room A.

8am - 9am: Breakfast with Michael Jordan, Emmitt Smith and Hank Aaron. Mimosas optional.

9am - Noon: 3 on 3 Basketball Tournament with your teammates LeBron James and Dwyane Wade. Coaches include Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Bill Russell and Larry Bird. You'll be playing against teams with NBA stars Dwight Howard, Amare Stoudemire, Kobe Bryant and many, many more.

Noon - 1pm: Fresh Catch lunch. The freshest sushi and seafood cooked and served by celebrity chef Bobby Flay.

1pm - 2pm: Weight training with trainer and fitness king Arnold Schwarzenegger.

2pm - 3pm: Running and bicycling with trainer Lance Armstrong.

3pm - 5pm: Massage and facial.

5pm - 6pm: Jim Rome Interview. Jim asks you all about your day so far, what part of your game needs improving, etc.

6pm - 8pm: Steak dinner with Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson (I know - We managed to get 'em both at the same table for Friday only). Review tape of the 3 on 3 Tournament.

8pm - 9pm: Fight talk with Manny Pacquiao, Floyd Mayweather and Lennox Lewis.

9pm - 11pm: Jack Johnson two-hour show.

Lights out at Midnight.

SATURDAY

8am: Wake-up

8am - 9pm: Breakfast with Daniel Day-Lewis, Tom Hanks, Sean Penn and Jack Nicholson. Mimosas optional.

9am - 2pm: Private Jet flight with John Prendergast, Nick Kristof and Samantha Power. On board you'll have a live satellite feed from a village that was saved by part of your payment to the Brian Wright Fantasy Camp. On board discussions will include an in-depth look at solutions to modern global problems. Lunch will be served.

2pm - 3pm: Arrivals at the Venetian Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. Check in and short nap.

3pm - 4pm: Acting scene. In this one hour slot, you'll be directed by Martin Scorsese in a short scene to be added on the bonus features of his next DVD release.

4pm - 5pm: Directing scene. In this one hour slot, you'll direct Leonardo DiCaprio and Angelina Jolie in a short scene to be added on the bonus features of his next DVD release.

5pm - 6pm: Larry King interview. Larry will asks you about your day so far, and quiz you about life, love and happiness.

6pm - 7pm: Andrew Zimmern cooked dinner with Brad Pitt, Nicolas Cage, Steven Spielberg, Robert Zemeckis and Robert Redford.

7pm - 8pm: Stand-Up comedy lessons from Chris Rock and Jerry Seinfeld. At the end of this time slot, you'll perform a two minute set.

8pm - 9pm: Photo shoot. But, this isn't your ordinary photo shoot. The first part you'll dress up in the Bat Suit and choreograph a short fight sequence. The second part of the shoot, you will dress as Indiana Jones and shoot another short fight sequence.

9pm - 11pm: Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals two-hour show.

Lights out at Midnight.

SUNDAY

8am: Wake-up.

8am - 9am: Breakfast with Barack Obama.

9am - 11am: Hot Stone Massage and mud body treatment.

11am - Noon: Harley riding at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway.

Noon - 1pm: Lunch with... SURPRISE GUEST. Maybe a family member drops in for your final day. Maybe it's an Academy Award winning actor or actress? Legendary sports star? Bob Dylan? It's a SURPRISE!!??!!!???!!

1pm - 6pm: $1 million gambling. You are fronted $1 million to gamble on slots, poker, roulette, black jack or the game of your choice. You keep all earnings over $1 million.

6pm - 7pm: Wolfgang Puck cooked dinner inspired by the world's best cuisine.

7pm - 9pm: Beer and tequila tasting event. The finest beer and tequila served in just the right quantity and temperature.

9pm - 11pm: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers two-hour show.

End of the Fantasy Camp.

See you all in 2010!!!

Talk About Cat-Like Reflexes

I've officially done a 180 on my thoughts about George W. Bush. He's now my favorite person ever. After viewing the shoe throwing incident, I think he's not only the coolest president since Theodore Roosevelt, but he's also the quickest. And, I would take him in a fight over anyone who ever held office.

Obviously, these aren't traits indicative of a good president. But, I don't care. We all know he was a lousy president. But, he was so lightening fast to duck away from that first shoe, and then he laughed at the guy. He thought it was hilarious. I think Oliver Stone should re-edit his W movie with this as the ending. His reaction to the shoes flying through the air is the truest personification of him as a person.

It should be the new US slogan - "You can throw a shoe at us, and we'll just duck and laugh." It gives whole new meaning to the "fool me once, shame on me..." quote from him. NOW we get it. He was foreshadowing the shoe throwing incident. He's actually a genius with fortune telling ability.

Sigh... I just really got a kick out of that. Funny, funny stuff. If you don't know what I'm talking about, YouTube it. It's the greatest thing ever.

MOVIE TRIVIA

...it's perfect for a Friday morning to warm up your brrrrrrrain. Five Fun Trivia Questions. Good luck to all. Please send your answers via email. Or, if you're sending via messenger service, please send to:

Brian Wright
682 Dingo Lane
Walkabout Creek, Australia 9HY 6I
(I live right next to Crocodile Dundee)

And... we're off.

1) Ellen had an affectionate nickname for her husband Clark W. Griswold in the wonderful comedies VACATION, EUROPEAN VACATION, CHRISTMAS VACATION and VEGAS VACATION (and, if they're lucky, I'll write CARIBBEAN VACATION which takes place on a cruise ship. Call me, Chevy.) What is the nickname?

a) Clarky
b) Sparky
c) Jaworsky
d) Corky
e) Mork from Ork

2) In 1999's AMERICAN BEAUTY, Kevin Spacey's character Lester Burnham provides the film's voice-over. !Spoiler Alert! We find out at the end of the film that his character dies/is murdered - Lester is telling this story to us from the grave. What early 1990s Hughes Brothers film used similar voice-over narration from the film's main character who tragically dies/is murdered at the end of the movie, therefore telling us his story from the grave?

a) THE BOOK OF ELI
b) AMERICAN PIMP
c) DEAD PRESIDENTS
d) MENACE II SOCIETY
e) none of the above

3) Marlon Brando's last feature film was the 2001 picture THE SCORE co-starring Bobby DeNiro (I'm his friend - he told me to call him 'Bobby') and Edward Norton. The film's director, Frank Oz, has provided the voice of many famous characters in film history. What unforgettable film character did he provide the voice for?

a) Miss Piggy
b) Yoda
c) Cookie Monster
d) all of the above
e) none of the above

4) Arnold Schwarzenegger acted in 2004's AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS, playing Prince Hapi in an amusing on-screen turn before shipping off to Sacramento as the governor of the great state of California. What was the first film he was in?

a) PUMPING IRON
b) THE LONG GOODBYE
c) HERCULES IN NEW YORK
d) STAY HUNGRY
e) CONAN THE BARBARIAN

5) 1998 brought us the unforgettable picture RAIN MAN starring Tom Cruise as Charlie Babbitt and Dustin Hoffman as his autistic older brother, Raymond Babbitt. There are many memorable quotes from the film. Which of these quotes is an actual quote from the film?

a) "I'm a great driver."
b) "'Course, three minutes to Judge Judy."
c) "Walmart sucks."
d) "'Bout a million dollars."
e) "Are you taking any prescription medication?"

All right. Have fun. And, remember, before kissing your spouse, brush your teeth.

The Benefits Of Ignorance

I want to take some time this week and congratulate a friend of mine, Richard Long, that's been looking for a job for about six months. Dick's been really grinding it out and sending out resumes and filling out applications, and finally, he got an interview and was subsequently hired. In these rough times, it's a blessing that he got the job. He was on the verge of home foreclosure, his car was about to be repossessed, and his wife was going to divorce his sorry ass. But, because he found work, he has an income to pay for all of the above. And, the reason I'm writing this post at this time is because I'm jealous. I now envy his life that I once shamed. I wish I was Dick.

Dick was hired by the Elk Grove Village based company Ignorance, Inc. It's a shipping and receiving company that does a lot of processing of items that are bought and sold. It's the ideal company to work for not only because the owner and CEO is an affable, down-to-earth guy that greets all the employees at the door with a warm smile and an even warmer cup of coffee, but Ignorance offers the best benefits package possible, with full dental, medical, and the world's greatest 401K. And, I yearn for the day I can finally be at par with Dick, in this regard. But, the thing is this: Dick said the benefits weren't just the great insurance coverage. There's something more. Benefits meant something different. But, what?

After hours and hours of incessant inquest, Dick wouldn't tell me what exactly the benefits package consisted of. Sure, he told me about the medical, dental and 401K, but when he said 'benefits', he wasn't talking about that. He was talking about some secretive, fraternity-like, for-their-eyes-only type deal. "What the fuck, Dick!? Just tell me!" I said to him. I constantly badgered him. But, to no avail. He was holding out big time. I couldn't break him, even when I threatened to break him by saying "I must break you." Nothing. Ah! Tell me!

I thought about hacking into Ignorance's computer files like you see in the movies. But, I quickly remembered that I don't know how to hack into anything. I don't even really know what hacking into something means. So, that plan was out. But, I had to know. It was killing me. I thought of performing a B & E at the Elk Grove offices, you know, to search the Human Resource office for some new-hire paperwork that would possibly lead me to some answers. But, I figured if I get caught, I'd go to Cook County jail where I heard the other inmates anally rape you, and that's no fun. So...

I invited myself, my wife and my young son over to Dick's for dinner one night. And, because Dick's an avid reader of this blog, this is somewhat of a confession. Hi, Dick. We went over to his/your place in Waukegan, a real nice three story town-home with all the fixings. We had a very pleasant steak and potato dinner with orange Fanta to drink. Very nice. And, after dinner, I excused myself to the upstairs bathroom, which was the perfect plan because anyone that knows me knows that I have a very soft stomach. It's more than soft. I had Salmonella in the summer of 2007 from shitty hummus at the Taste of Chicago. There was literally human shit in the hummus that I gobbled down and, in turn, got deathly ill from. And, to this day, there are still traces of something in the old digestive system that makes complex meals difficult to digest. Food flies through me. Anyways, I headed for the upstairs bathroom. And, working out perfectly, Dick's office is on the same floor, far away from the prying owner's eyes. I thought he could have the documents in his office - why not? I would.

Really having to relieve myself, I went lightening quick. Push, push, wipe, wipe. Done. I figured I had five or so minutes to shuffle through his big oak desk and cabinets. So, I'm flipping through papers. Dick's wife's brief stint in a mental institution. The proof in writing. No big deal. We've all been there. Receipts for gallons upon gallons of WD40 oil lubricant. Creaking doors, I thought. Whatever. Then, JACKPOT. An Ignorance laminated folder. Here it was, staring me in the face. I had the answers to all life's important questions in my hand. So, I stuffed it into my V-neck sweater and made for the kitchen. "I'm not feeling too good. Honey, we better take off. Plus, Jackie Boy's getting tired." When in doubt, blame it on the baby.

I didn't want to tell my wife about my third floor mischief, so I waited until I got home to open the folder and view the contents. After putting the boy down for the night, I snuck into the bathroom with the folder still hidden from plain sight. "It's bubbling up again. I think that Stacy (Dick's wife) used some crazy next world spices for the steak. Ugh..." No explanation necessary. So, finally, I sat down on the toilet, unwrap the sweater that covers the folder. And, it's right there. I took a brief moment to marvel at the graphics on the front of the folder - Ignorance really does take that extra step. Then, I opened it.

But, before I can get the folder all the way open, I tiny sheet of scratch paper fell to the ground. It was folded in half, so I picked it up off the ground and unfolded. And, it read: "Mind your own business you nosey prick. - Dick" How did he know? I tore open the folder, and there wasn't a single sheet of paper. Not even a brochure or blank application. Dick beat me at my own game. That son of a bitch! I sat there on the toilet bowl, defeated, back where I started. I would never know what the real benefits of Ignorance were. Never. Dick's now living happy. Everyday he calls me and rubs it in my face. Ha, ha, ha. Joke's on me.

Oh, well. Good for Dick. At least he's working. He gets to keep his house and car. He's now happily married with twins on the way. He's got a great job with the best benefits you can find anywhere. He's content. And, damn it, I wish I had that fixed smirking expression on my face like he does. I wish I woke up everyday of the week and looked forward to the next eight hours of work. So, I applied. Now, I'm just waiting for a phone call. That phone call. Wish me the type of luck that Dick has. I'm going to need it.

Space Capsule

In honor of Thanksgiving...

Space scientists will, every once in a while, send a radio signal out into the vastness of space, hoping that an alien life form will pick up the transmission, travel millions of light years to come visit us, and we can then shove tubes down his throat and up his ass and take skin samples like they do to us when we're abducted. Sometimes they'll choose a Beatles song - something that's totally recognizable. Because, let's face it, EVERYONE knows the Beatles. I wonder if E.T. ever receives this song and is singing along to "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and then actually walks over to his/her alien love interest and actually holds his/her alien hand, or paw or whatever aliens have...

Well, in researching this NASA experiment, I starting wondering about what movies we'd send out to far, far away. So, I came up with a list. What American movies would we send in a space capsule from each decade starting with the 1970s? These movies would have to define us, our most important movies, but, we could only choose two per decade. Two! I know some of you think that's insane, that I'm out of my mind (you might've thought that before, too, but...), that there's no way to just pick two. But, that's the rules. Sorry. Two.

More ground rules. These aren't necessarily the most Oscar winners, or the biggest box office smashes, although artistic integrity and commercial success does, naturally, weigh into the decision. These films were chosen because they not only represent us as Americans, but they're movies that inspire, that were a phenomenon like no other, that resonated for years and years, that taught us, that changed the game/changed movie making, that were the most important in their genre, that bended genres, that combined many genres. These movies rise to the top. They are, in my opinion, THE best representations of American films of their respective decade. And, we're going to start with the...

1970s. Some of my personal favorite from this decade are TAXI DRIVER, CHINATOWN, THE FRENCH CONNECTION, APOCALYPSE NOW, FIVE EASY PIECES, JAWS, THE JERK, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, ROCKY and NETWORK. But, to me, this decade was the easiest decision of all. The winners go to:

THE GODFATHER. Family, crime, power and ethics. This is considered one of the greatest films of all time. It clocks in at around three hours, but you just don't feel it when watching. It's a blink of an eye because it's so good. Not only does it have some of cinemas greatest moments - Brando's voice and cheeks, "Leave the gun, take the cannoli", Luca Brasi's rehearsal, some of the greatest actors ever and the biggest cast - it's a film that gets better as the years pass. But, if you think this is an easy decision, this next one is the easiest for the whole list.

STAR WARS: EPISODE IV - A NEW HOPE. Every man, woman and child on this planet knows about this movie. And, every alien on every other planet should know about this movie. There are Star Wars nerds that go a little too far wit this movie, but I'm one of them. If you disagree with this pick, you're crazy... and, I'll take my lightsaber and cut off your hand a la Darth Vader and Luke. Yes. I really have a lightsaber. I love my lightsaber. Am I allowed to write 'lightsaber'?

1980s. Except for the greed, the 1980s ruled! And, this might have been the toughest decade from which to choose just two movies. There are so many greats like VACATION, CHRISTMAS VACATION, THE BREAKFAST CLUB, CONAN THE BARBARIAN, RAGING BULL, E.T., FIELD OF DREAMS, BATMAN, TERMINATOR, GHOSTBUSTERS, BEVERLY HILLS COP, TOP GUN and TOOTSIE. But, again, these two movies rose to the top, starting with...

BACK TO THE FUTURE. This movie combines the best elements of comedy, science fiction, action and adventure. And, it brought us some of cinema's best characters: Biff Tannen, Dr. Emmett "Doc" Brown, and the McFly family - Lorraine, George and of course, "Marty!" You're supposed to say "Marty!" like Doc does. I don't think I've ever not said "Marty!" the way Doc does. If I see a person named "Marty!" in real life I'll say "Marty!" in my head or I'll actually say "Marty!" directly to him. Then, I'll recoil in embarrassing shame because I'll remember that BACK TO THE FUTURE was so huge that everyone calls "Marty!" "Marty!" to his face. Oh, well. All in good fun.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Is there another cinema character that you'd rather BE? Indiana Jones is, I think, the greatest character in the history of film. The coolest. The best. I want to be him. I really don't understand those of you who didn't enjoy INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL. It was Indiana Jones doing things. Who cares what he's doing? I always say this, but Indiana Jones could walk down the street for two hours in the next film - we'll call it INDIANA JONES AND THE LONGEST STREET EVER - and I'll be first in line and it'll probably be one of the year's best.

1990s. The most difficult of all the decades to choose two. There are really some great films from the 90s. Truly great ones like GOODFELLAS, MISERY, PRETTY WOMAN, SCHINDLER'S LIST, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, PHILADELPHIA, THELMA & LOUISE, UNFORGIVEN, THE FUGITIVE, THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, THE MATRIX, PULP FICTION (which was #3, just barely missing out), LEAVING LAS VEGAS, THE USUAL SUSPECTS, BRAVEHEART, JERRY MAGUIRE (my favorite movie ever), FARGO, THE BIG LEBOWSKI, AMERICAN BEAUTY, THE SIXTH SENSE, and 1997's joke of a year that included TITANIC, AS GOOD AS IT GETS, L.A. CONFIDENTIAL and GOOD WILL HUNTING all up for Best Picture. But, these two make the space capsule. You'll see...

JURASSIC PARK. Does anyone remember being in the theater when the T-Rex screams for the first time? Or, did you lose partial hearing and become somewhat numb to your surroundings, only able to watch the rest of JURASSIC PARK in awe (and fear) like the rest of the moviegoers? A lot of people forget this film. But, I'll guarantee a lot of kids didn't forget this film. It was a global sensation when it came out, racing up the box office charts, but more importantly, it made science and dinosaurs cool and it went beyond the screen - it was a tool of teaching. SAVING PRIVATE RYAN taught us about World War II and SCHINDLER'S LIST felt horrifyingly real, but I want to send a message of hope and greatness to the aliens of this universe and beyond. I want to show the best of America and the world, not our mistakes. Plus, I want to scare the shit out of some aliens - they'll think that Velociraptors are running around town like normal.

FORREST GUMP. This picture combines all the elements of film better than any other film in history. It's too funny to be a drama. It's too sad to be a comedy. It's perfect. The story sends us through some of the most important decades in America's (and the world's) history. And, it does it along side of one of cinema's most interesting characters, Forrest. "Stupid is as stupid does." Forrest Gump is only stupid by modern, accepted, lazy standards. He's a great son, friend, husband and father. In that respect, he was brilliant.

2000s. Some might disagree, but I think the 00s haven't been all that great when it comes to excellent films... compared to the other decades. But, there have been some fantastic films. THE DEPARTED, GLADIATOR, THE DARK KNIGHT, PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, SPIDER-MAN, all the LORD OF THE RINGS movies, the HARRY POTTER movies, all the comic book movies, the BOURNE movies, all the CGI movies... a lot of big spectacle films, and tiny indies like SIDEWAYS, ADAPTATION, MONSTER, LOST IN TRANSLATION, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, THERE WILL BE BLOOD and THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND. But, let's take a look at the space capsule winners.

FINDING NEMO. The best of all the CGI movies, and Pixar's darling, this picture did what computer graphics wizards thought could never be done - the bulk of the movie takes place UNDER WATER. These Disney animations are at the pinnacle of filmmaking. They're comedies, dramas, adventures, action - they're stories about friendship and family, and all of them are classic. TOY STORY, MONSTERS INC., CARS, RATATOUILLE... they're masterwork. And, FINDING NEMO sits at the top of the list. The nice aliens will need to see America's big, generous heart. They need to see that we're good people, that we care for one another. And, this film will show them that.

FAHRENHEIT 9/11. "The temperature at which freedom burns." Politics aside, this film is the most important documentary ever made, and the most-seen, although some argue how much of a documentary it is. That's beside the point. This film is the ultimate epitome of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. There's nothing more uniquely American than the ability to not only question your government, but charge your government and it's powerful members, including the President. In some countries, if you challenged the government in film, they'd kill you. Just recently, comedian Zarganar was sent to prison for 45 years for criticizing Myanmar's government's slow relief response for the cyclone victims. 45 years! He didn't make a film that twenty million people saw (in the theater alone) and call the President a war criminal. That's scary. But, in America, we can freely express our feelings and thoughts about anything through art, and we're protected by the land's highest law. The aliens need to know this, see this, experience this. Then, and only then, will they know what American films are and can be.

So, in celebration of this list, please write to me and tell me how wrong I am. Tell me the films you choose for each decade. And, convince me I'm wrong... even though it's impossible. Remember, I'm Wright All The Time, even when I want to be Indiana Jones. Enjoy the list! Write to me! Happy Thanksgiving!

NBA News - Nov. 22

I wonder how much Kobe and the Lakers are loving the “LeBron to NY” and “2010 Free Agent” nonsense. It allows them to quietly have the league’s best record while demolishing teams and keeping the large target off their back.

This media hype over something that may or may not happen in 550 days is getting out of hand. It proves how much Americans, or specifically the media, has an attention span of a four year old. Come on! Talk about what’s going on NOW! Here are the amazing stories of the NBA this year:

- Lakers (10-1) and Celtics (12-2) are the League’s two best teams and are more than likely going to meet in the Finals, if they keep up this pace and if they stop LeBron. This will be a repeat Finals and a complete revival of one of sport’s greatest team rivalries. This makes Christmas even more special this year.

- Andris Biedrins is leading the league in rebounding with over 14 per game… 14!!! He’s turned into a legitimate Center who can score (over 16 ppg), rebound and play defense.

- Dwyane Wade is back and maybe better than ever. He’s having a stellar season - second in the league in scoring, fifth in assists, and, get this - he’s averaging 2.5 spg and 2 bpg!!! 2 bpg at 6′4″!!! He’s The Man down in My Hammy (better than Kobe).

- The reemergence of the East. All the people (which is almost EVERYONE on every NBA blog) who said the East sucks, now have to bow down and kiss my feet. The East is the better Conference. They’re winning the head-to-head W/L match-ups. They have better overall records. And, they have 5 of the top 6 teams in the league.

- Dwight Howard’s Orlando. 9-3. Looking like a solid contender. And, The Smile is the reason. He’s the league’s best Center, easily. Second in the League in rebounding, over 21 ppg. And, he leads the league in blocks with 4 per game. He’s a beast. He’s a monster. He’s The Smile.

- The All-Star Danny Granger??? At 24 ppg and the obvious leader in Indiana, Danny Granger is turning into a star. He’s a three point threat with strength and quickness, and he’s only getting better.

- Derrick Rose is the best PG in the East… and he’s a rookie. He’s the best player Chicago has had since Jordan (and Pippen). This guy is lights out amazing. One of the quickest players in the league. And, he’s got a extra step ladder when he elevates. Everyone questioned his shot before the season… his mid-range pull-up is one of his strengths. People said he couldn’t shoot threes… he’s at over .350 and hitting big 3s when it matters. This guy is the real deal. So far, he’s the best rookie, with this guy #2…

- OJ Mayo. Still rough and raw. But, he’s averaging 20 ppg while shooting over 40% from beyond the arc and almost 90% from the charity stripe. When this guy fixes the very few problems he has, he’ll be a top 10 player in the League.

So, you see how there’s plenty of great NBA news besides the LeBron 2010 Sweepstakes. Although that poses interesting scenarios, it’s a LOOOOONG time off and takes away from great stuff happening. PLEASE STOP WRITING ARTICLES ABOUT IT!!!

Thoughts and Musings

I don't really have any particular direction or important ideas in today's post. I just have random thoughts about life. Here we go...

What's the rule on wearing clothes in your own house? Do you really have to? I'm no exhibitionist, but I don't think clothes are required when you're in your own home. Now, I also don't think you should put your bare ass on your sofa. But, if you're out of the shower on a Saturday afternoon and you don't feel like wearing any pants, I'll back you on it.

For all those people who are anti-pornography... The people in porn belong in porn. Would you rather have these people in the classroom teaching our kids? Serving you food? Changing the oil on your car? Let them be. And, be glad those porno actors aren't doing the important jobs.

I've always wondered why people say "It's like pulling teeth..." when explaining something that's very difficult or takes a lot of effort. I can understand dentists saying it, but for the rest of us, pulling teeth is actually quite easy. You go into the dentist's office, they put you in that 1970s chair, lean you back, and in no time, you're high on laughing gas. Then, you wake up some time later, still drugged up, and they hand you a prescription for pain pills. And, I think we all know what pain pills feel like. So, instead of saying "I just can't get him on the phone! It's like pulling teeth!"... I think we should be saying "Drinking margaritas on the beach was so much fun. It was like pulling teeth."

And, I need some help with something...

I received a very important email a couple of weeks ago. It was from a doctor in Africa who said that he wanted to give me one millions dollars! Wow! I know. I couldn't believe it. He said all he needed was my bank account information, my social security number and a five hundred dollar check. So, as soon as I could, I sent him all that information. And, I not only wrote him a check and sent it to his home in Zimbabwe, I mailed another envelope with $500 cash to him... just for a back-up, to be sure. You can never be too careful, ya know? Plus, I'm getting a million dollars. Well, so I thought. It's been almost three weeks and he hasn't called me or emailed me back. So... what do you think I should do? Any advice? If your advice works, I'll share some of the million. But, gee, golly, do you think this doctor was fooling me? Do ya? Aho, ho...

Jamaica or Hawaii???

The most important topic in the world right now is not the economy. It's not terrorism. It's not the humanitarian crisis in Darfur. It's certainly not the problems in America's educational system. It's not crime in our major cities. It's not the environment, although we'll probably need to fix it one of these days. It's sure as hell not healthcare. It's not Iraq. It's not high taxes. It's not Brad and Angelina and Jennifer Aniston's bubbling war of words ... which is the most important to ME, but I don't always speak for the majority. No. It's not any of these. None of these issues should worry you or have you anxious or make you nervous. What you should be concerned with is this:

What's a better vacation spot - Jamaica or Hawaii?

That's all that really matters. Trust me. It's a serious issue. Very delicate. Needs proper handling. A magician's touch. Just the right amount of care and understanding. Oh, yeah. Nice and easy. Gentle. Or else we'll all rue the day.

So, let's explore the similarities and differences of these two exotic locales so that tomorrow, when we wake up, maybe we'll feel a little bit better, a little more confident, a little more like we 'get it.' Let's break it down into a couple different categories for comparison, starting with:

BEACHES - Both are islands or a chain of islands that have miles upon miles of vast beaches. White sand. Black sand. Mixed-grains of sand. Lots of palm trees on both. And, lots of clear blue warm water. The major difference is that in Hawaii, you'll look around and see a million tourists and in Jamaica, you'll look around and see a million minus one. Winner = JAMAICA.

LOCALS - This boils down to what you want to hear every two seconds on your seven day vacation - 'aiyree' or 'bra'. 'Aiyree' translates to 'all right', whereas 'bra' translates to bro. I'll use them both in a sentence. -I just lost all my luggage and my traveler's checks, and I think I have salmonella poisoning, but I'm in Jamaica, so every little thing is aiyree.- AND -Hey, bra. How's it going, bra? What are you doing, bra? Going surfing today, bra? No... bra. Bra? Bra.- Winner = TIE.

FOOD - Oh, boy. This is a tough one. In Jamaica, you'll be served fried plantains and jerk chicken. Oh... my mouth is watering already. But, in Hawaii, you can go to a luau and eat slow cooked pork, or you can find a dive and eat loco moco - white rice, two hamburger patties, two fried eggs and gravy. This is one of my favorite things. So... Winner = HAWAII.

So, the clear winner of this competition is...

MEXICO. Hundreds of miles of beaches, the locals are Mexican, and you cannot find better food than authentic tacos, burritos, tostadas, gorditas, tortas and sopes. I tricked you, didn't I? You thought I had to limit myself to the two choices that I first presented, but then I went with the one that wasn't on the list which was Mexico and your head starting spinning and then you...

After now knowing the correct answer, you all can go on living a wonderful life. Don't let the so-called problems of the world affect you and the way you do things. They aren't problems, anyway. They're made up by 'the man' so we will shut up and obey. Got that?!

The Huxtables

I just watched The Biography Channel show called "The Cosby Show: A Look Back," and it put so many things in my life into focus. And, if you would've seen it, I'm sure it would have done the same for you. Bill Cosby is/was a pure genius, looking at this world in such easy terms, and then translating those ideas seamlessly into episodic TV and situational comedy. Part of me wishes that I was raised by the Huxtables.

But, then again, part of me WAS raised by the Huxtables. Part of all of us was raised by Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable and his lovely wife, Clair. We had Theo as our loyal brother, always there for us (and Cockroach as our trusted friend). We had Sondra to really confide in when times got tough, and Elvin to empathize with our fears. If we wanted to shake things up, we could always see Denise, crazy in her ways. Later, she would even bring us adorable little Olivia to understand and remedy our problems in simple terms. Since Vanessa was turning teenager, we felt her struggles. And, rascally Rudy was our age.

This was our television family. A gang of doctors, lawyers and generally well-behaved kids that had a strong sense of love for one another, and always eventually made the right decision. Most of all, they made us laugh every week when we needed it most. And, I have to mention this next part because of the Obama win and the consensus hot topic in America. The Huxtables didn't just break the color barrier. They disintegrated it. They made it so that there was none. That there wasn't ever one... but still taught cultural history. That's the last I'll say of it. Like I said, MOST OF ALL, they made us laugh.

Comedy is more important than any of that. The ability to make another person laugh is extraordinary, and reserved for only a select few who can do it at the national level. Bill Cosby and his TV family gave us six packs laughing (I subsequently lost mine due to daily Taco Bell intake). The setups were pure brilliance, and still enter our daily repertoire of movie lines and quotes and pop culture references. Here are a few favorites:

"Theo, that was the dumbest... no wonder you get Ds..."

"I'll ride a motorbike."

"Drink 'er down."

"Come here. HERE. HERE."

There are many more, but to me, that's one of the methods of deciding what are the best movies or TV shows - easily quotable lines of dialogue. Movies like PULP FICTION, THE DEPARTED and THE BIG LEBOWSKI are laced with them. And, it's a great way to judge high art. The Cosby Show is on the top TV list of great quotes.

As a note, in my early twenties, I got a chance to meet a few of the former cast members, one of which I worked with. As a valet in the San Fernando Valley, I met a lifetime's worth of stars, sports heroes, B-list actors, burnt-out TVers, a few porno performers and one Joey Badofucco. I parked the car of Cockroach - no kidding. He's now a drug addict, living on 80s sitcom money, having mass orgies with Valley strippers in local four star hotels (on good days) and flea bag motels (every other day). But, he was a delight as a man.

The stand-out, though, was meeting Malcolm-Jamal Warner. There are very few days that go by without thinking of my few meetings with Malcolm... Theo. And, to this day, I still don't know if I let slip calling him 'Theo'. Hell, I might have. Every time I would meet him, whether it was at a gas station or TV set, I would go into this adrenaline induced haze. I couldn't think straight, not for a minute. My hands, feet and tongue would turn numb. And, all I could think about was when Theo got his ear pierced and tried to hide it from dad... I mean, Cliff... with the headphones. I felt like he was trying to hide the earring from ME! Any normal man would avoid these encounters at all cost. That seems logical. But, I actually craved them. Thrived on them. Call it what you will, it was better than any trendy bottle of Grey Goose vodka with Red Bull and a handful of vicodin. This was real life paranoia and excitement, all in one. I lost my original train of thought. Maybe those deeply embedded feelings were just resurfacing. Either way, it was a pleasure to have met the actor, and I'm proud to still have his cell phone number.

Okay. I'm done. I just wanted to share my feelings on what I thought was an integral part of the American standard. Please offer some fun memories of your run-ins with the Huxtables. I'd love to hear 'em. We all would.

WEDNESDAY'S ELECTION RESULTS

ELECTORAL VOTES

BARACK OBAMA - 364
JOHN McCAIN - 174

WINNER:

BARACK OBAMA

...with 53% of the popular vote - over 65 million votes!!!

This is a great day in America.

MONDAY'S ELECTION PREDICTION

ELECTORAL VOTES

BARACK OBAMA - 375
JOHN McCAIN - 163

WINNER:

BARACK OBAMA

Very, Very Spooky

What are you most scared of? Me? I fear spiders. Nile crocodiles. Cuba Road. Do you believe in ghosts? Are you afraid of ghouls? Goblins? Republicans? Spirits? Hauntings? Witches? Getting lost in Walmart? Men over seven feet? Bloody band-aids in public swimming pools? Long hairs in public swimming pools? College sports fans? Monsters? Aliens? Cockroaches? Polar bears? Scorpions? Nose whistling? Being homeless? Gas station cologne? Elves? Demons? The devil? The dark? The night? The unknown? What really, really spooks you?

I want to know. So, please write. Comment. Let me know what gets you going. I'd love to hear. Oh, yeah...

Happy Halloween, everyone! It's already mid-fall, getting chilly (not so much in Los Angeles, but...), and Halloween is tomorrow, or today depending on when you read this. A lot of people are going to kick ass Halloween parties where everyone dresses up and pretends to like each other's costumes... and each other. But, I know that some of you waited until last minute to shop for a costume and time has run out, so I have some ideas...

This one is for women only. Go to Walgreens, CVS or any drug store or grocery store and buy a pair of rectangle framed glasses. Put those glasses on, ladies. Then, tear through your closet and find your most expensive clothes, preferably designer clothes - Dolce & Gabbana, Prada, anything purchased at Barney's New York - and put those on. Then, blow dry your hair and style it just right. Put on some nice earrings and lipstick and head out the door. What are you going as? No. Not Sarah Palin. You're going as CLAIR HUXTABLE... when she has a really important case (she was an attorney, remember?). But, remember to help Theo with his dyslexia.

This one is for men and women. Go to the grocery store and ask for a paper bag. When you get home, poke two holes in the paper bag so you can see out of it. Put the paper bag on your head. And, go out. What are you going as? No, not the Unknown Comic from The Gong Show. You're going as THE UGLIEST MAN ALIVE or THE UGLIEST WOMAN ALIVE. But, Brian, beauty is on the inside. I know, I know. I'm sorry. Will you ever forgive me? Remember to recycle the paper bag on Nov. 1.

This one is for men only. Go to the grocery store and ask for a paper bag. When you get home, fill the paper bag with a smaller bag of water. And, go out. What are you going as? A DOUCHE BAG. PS - Most guys don't have to even bother with the bag or water. Just go out in your normal clothes, act how you normally act, and bam!, you'll win best costume.

Ah... Halloween. It brings out the worst in all of us. But, in a good way. So, I want to leave you with a Halloween riddle:

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?

He Hit The Nail Right On The Head... for me

These are the lyrics to John Lennon's song "God" (I've changed only a couple of lines as if I've written the song):

God is a Concept by which
we measure our pain
I'll say it again
God is a Concept by which
we measure our pain
I don't believe in magic
I don't believe in I-ching
I don't believe in Bible
I don't believe in Tarot
I don't believe in Hitler
I don't believe in Jesus
I don't believe in Kennedy
I don't believe in Buddha
I don't believe in Mantra
I don't believe in Gita
I don't believe in Yoga
I don't believe in Kings
I don't believe in Elvis
I don't believe in Zimmerman
I don't believe in Beatles
I just believe in me... Tiffiny, Jack and me
That's reality

The dream is over
What can I say?
the Dream is Over
After Yesterday
I was the writer
But now I'm just dyin'
I was the maker
But now I'm Brian
and so dear friends
you'll just have to carry on
The Dream is over

Without being crazy, I think this song pretty much states my exact opinion about the same subject. *Notice one of the first lines of the song - it reflects last week's post... for me* I know he wasn't speaking to me, obviously. But, truly great artists will make work that speaks to many people on different levels. The Seinfeld Show spoke to the truths about all of us. The Dark Knight showed America it's own alter ego. With "God", John Lennon told a story about his view about God... which happens to say what I want to say about the subject better than I can say it.

Do any of you have songs or movies or TV shows that tell your truth? Please post.

** I know this post might offend some people... but, it shouldn't. My opinion about the subject should be like me writing "My favorite color is blue". You might disagree, but it doesn't make me wrong. Or bad. You could like red, green or black the most. Good for you. I shouldn't have to even write this last part, but there's always an asterisk in life. **

Question Of The Day

I don't have an essay to offer up this week. I've been clear headed for the majority of the last seven days. I do, however, have a question to ask you all. And, I'd like to have an answer as soon as possible. It's a general question with plenty of overtones, but I want you to answer it in whatever way you feel comfortable. I want you to think about, though. Think about what it means to you. Not to me. To you. How does it speak to you? What does it symbolize to you? Then, you'll have the correct answer... I think. So, without further ado, here's the question:

Do you believe in magic?

Only In America

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North America's Best = Chicago

Not the movie based on the musical. Not the misspelling of 'chicano.' The city.

I love Los Angeles for the buzz. You can go basically anywhere in the city and surrounding towns and see movie stars, film sets, musicians... It's got a creative buzz there that you can feel. And, it's challenging. A little too challenging for most, but what's life without a challenge?

I love Toronto for it's cleanliness. I don't think that there's one single piece of garbage on the ground. And, the people are very friendly. If you ask someone abOOt the weather, they'll tell you all abOOt the weather. Yah! They will indeed.

I love Las Vegas for the nightlife. Because the city doesn't sleep, you can do anything at anytime. It's a perfect place to conceive a child.

I love San Francisco for the diversity and acceptance. It's a progressive city that's always ahead of the curve on everything from gay rights to environmentalism. And, if you go there, you'll meet a guy by the name of Escape Man. He will change the way you think about EVERYTHING.

I love Fort Lauderdale for the relaxation and beaches and boardwalk. It doesn't have the bloated ego of Miami, but it has the warm sun and good times... without the constant judging.

I love Ensenada and Cozumel for the Papas and Beer and dolphins.

I love Negril, Montego Bay and Ochos Rios. For a third world country, Jamaica me crazy for Jamaica, mon! Everytin dere's aiyree...

I love Cleveland for LeBron James. And, the Rock'n'Roll Hall Of Fame. And, my brother from another mother Branson Wright.

I love Washington, Boston and Philadelphia for the history and sports teams.

I love New York for the... nobody loves New York except for Carrie Bradshaw.

I love all these cities in North America. But, the best city in this great land is Chicago. And, I'm not just saying that because I've packed up all my belongings and moved here to start my family and make films. No. Not at all.

Look:

http://www.insideyourchicago.com/images/purple_chicago_skylineresized.jpg

Listen:

http://www.670thescore.com/

Learn:

Sports = Bears, Bulls, Cubs, White Sox, Blackhawks
Music Venues = The House of Blues, The Aragon Ballroom, The Metro
Pizza = Lou Malnati's, Giordano's, Gino's East
Bars/Pubs/Clubs = Emmitt's, Club 720, Soundbar
Museums = do your own google search

I challenge you to name another city that's better. And, please state why. Hunter S. Thompson said it best: "Every time I go to Chicago I come away with scars." Yes. You can't DO Chicago without getting a little dirty. So, roll up your sleeves and get to it. I'll see you here.

Brian Wright in '16

I know I'm getting a little ahead of myself, but I'd like to officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States in 2016. I feel that I bring a ton... nay, a boatload of experience and leadership to the position, as well as a keen understanding of how the executive branch of our government works.

I'm whip smart on my best days, and on my worst, I'm not too shabby. I'm a quick thinker, an even quicker learner, and I really work hard. I'm a dedicated patriot who thought long and hard about joining the military in 2001, right after 9/11, but I decided that the folks at the Hilton in Woodland Hills valet department needed me a little more. But, this time, I'm clearing my slate in eight years so I can serve my beloved country. So, I'd like to roll out some of my views and policies on major issues that I feel will be important to our great nation in the near future. And, I want to plant the seed for early voters. So, my long time friends and fellow USAers, let's rumble...

On Defense... Because I was raised in Chicago in the 80s and 90s, I realized early on that defense wins championships. To put that in political terms, defense wins the real life version of RISK. The 1985 Chicago Bears had arguably NFL's greatest all-time defense. Dan Hampton, William "The Refrigerator" Perry, Richard Dent, Mike Singletary, Wilbur Marshall, Gary Fencik - these guys kicked ass and took name. Then, in the 90s, the Chicago Bulls won six rings led by the greatest defense in NBA history - MJ, Scottie and Dennis Rodman. These guys plain know defense. And, they know how to win. Wars? The same thing applies. So, my military cabinet would be filled with these players. Trust me. It translates. If film actors can be President, Samurai Mike can at least be Secretary of Defense.

On Taxes... I would raise taxes on the upper class. Anyone bringing in over, um, let's say... $5 million dollars a year must pay 95% taxes on their income over $5 million. Anyone making under $45,000 a year would NOT PAY FEDERAL TAXES. I believe in and love capitalism. But, if you make over $5,000,000 a year, that's just stupid money. How much money does one man or woman or family really need? When you're making over $5 million a year, you're doing things like buying diamond encrusted picture frames and wearing thousand dollar T-shirts. It's excess. It's not necessary. So, we're gonna fix some roads and pay some teachers.

On Education... No Child Left Behind isn't working. Hopefully, the candidate that I think will win and run the House for the next eight years will develop a better education system. But, just in case that man doesn't, here's my plan: It's called In Your Shoes. And, here's what it entails: Preschoolers, elementary schoolers, middle schoolers and high schoolers from well-to-do parts of the country will switch off every other week with Preschoolers, elementary schoolers, middle schoolers and high schoolers from poor parts of the country. They'll trade schools. This way, every student has a chance at the best teachers... and the worst. Now, I know what you're saying. How do we get that many kids to and from different schools every other week? My answer: Really good bus drivers. Expert bus drivers. Well-paid bus drivers. The bus driving community is a group that most forget about. But, these do-gooders sacrifice life and limb for America's students. And, I feel really bad about the twelve years of torture I put my bus drivers through. This is a chance to repay them in my small way, and redesign the educational system.

On the Environment... The minute I'm in office, I will start The Wright Way one-year initiative. This initiative states that there are no more harmful emissions in one year from the time I take office. Car companies must develop alternative energy to fuel the nation's automobiles. Energy companies must provide the choice between wind or solar. Waste companies must hire Superman to gather all the garbage in the world once a week into a big net and chuck it so far into space that we never see it ever again, so it's some other universe's problem. Al Gore will lead a crack team of experts in solving every major environmental problem. He must make Leonardo DiCaprio a part of this team so I can finally meet him because he's my favorite actor. I'm dead serious about all of this. Leo is the best actor out there. AND, he wants to make a difference.

On Veterans... All persons who serve in the military will receive a modest home in the city of their choosing, a modest vehicle of their choosing and a modest paycheck every other week until death. And, they get to cut in line at movie theaters. In addition, they're supplied with free 24 hour psychological services. Also, I encourage all Americans to not only shake the hand of an ex-military serviceman or woman, but to engage in conversation about life as a serviceman and other topics, and share the knowledge with your friends and family.

On Faith and Religion... I'm for total separation of church and state, and I will not pray in the White House... except when we're at war with other countries or I really, really, really need answers to difficult problems.

On Crimes Against Humanity... Any crime against humanity in the form of genocide, mass rape and/or murder, sex crimes against women and/or children will result in an American military intervention until the crime is not only solved, but the victims liberated and perpetrators brought to justice. I will start an international task force led by nations that have been victims of crimes against humanity (Israel, Rwanda, United States, etc.) that will investigate and use force if necessary. Then, I will make the villains crawl around a big bowl filled with different types of spiders. Those evil shitheads.

On Foreign Policy... When it comes to enemies of the US, I feel pretty much the same as Conan the Barbarian, which is: "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women!" But, let me break it down. Crush your enemies: if we defeat them here, there and everywhere, we will never have to worry about future wars. See them driven before you: we must watch them be pile driven into the ground. Hear the lamentation of the women: this part really doesn't make sense, but it's part of the whole quote, so I didn't want to leave it out. As for our friendly world neighbors, I feel we should set up a tea time and a tee time. Camomile and Golf. We must relax and enjoy our friends.

On Healthcare... Every single American will be fully covered. And, that's that. From HIV/AIDS to a scratched knee, no matter your race or economic status, you will never see a medical bill ever again. And, you definitely won't see any bill collector mail or phone calls who used to be a medical billing departments after you. No way, mister.

On Homeland Security... At first, I wanted to build a wall around the entire country like they had in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK around Manhattan. I wanted to build the wall across the entire Mexican border, the Canadien border, the West and East coasts of the continental states, and around each Hawaiian island and Alaska. But, I thought about it more. And, I came to the conclusion that only seven hundred miles of fence at parts of the Mexican border made sense. What does this have to do with Homeland Security? I just feel more secured, you know, in the homeland, if we have walls up.

And, this is just a start. Obviously, I have more ideas on these topics, but this is just a little taste of what you'd see from my administration. We'd really make a difference. And, most importantly, we'd throw a weekly party at the White House with half-off cover charge for modern day pirates who wear eye patches.

The Correct Answers - Politics Trivia

Just in case you're wondering what the correct answers are:

QUESTION 1:
Which candidate is FOR off-shore oil drilling?

d) All of the above

Unfortunately, both candidates support off-shore oil drilling. As Americans, we're addicted to a lot of things: fast food, coffee, cigarettes, meth... and oil. When are we going to collectively realize that using oil to fuel vehicles is just about the dumbest thing possible and not in our interest?

QUESTION 2:
Which candidate actually has a plan to stop the genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan?

a) Barack Obama

This is one of the most important topics in the world. Ask Bill Clinton what he regrets from his eight years in office. The first thing he'll tell you is that he didn't step in early enough in Rwanda. Eventually, the international community helped stop the genocide there, and look at Rwanda today - it's thriving. Rwanda should be used as the model for African nations in civil war and unrest. Sudan needs international help, and Barack's got an answer.

QUESTION 3:
Match the candidate and running mate with their religion:

Barack Obama - b) United Church Of Christ
Joe Biden - d) Roman Catholic
John McCain - a) Episcopal
Sarah Palin - c) Non-denominational Christian

Interesting...

QUESTION 4:
Which presidential candidate vows to stay in Iraq another "100 years" if necessary?

b) John McCain

Why not make it 100,000 years? Doesn't he know that we can't keep paying them to not attack us? Oops... I mean... the Surge won't work forever.

QUESTION 5:
Who's the crazier Vice Presidential candidate?

b) Sarah Palin

Not only is she crazier, she's dumber. She believes she has foreign policy experience because she can see Russia from her front porch. That's crazy, stupid, and down right scary.

QUESTION 6:
Which candidate "supports tough, direct presidential diplomacy with Iran without preconditions?"

a) Barack Obama

His idea, I think, is to find a common ground, and try and make peace in the Middle East in one of the most important and powerful countries there. Pretty smart.

QUESTION 7:
Which candidate is FOR war with smaller countries that no one's really heard of just to exercise our power and push around the little guy a bit?

d) None of the above

This one was sort of a trick question. Obviously, neither candidate is for war with smaller countries just to exercise our power and push around the little guy... that would be bullying. These two men are a lot of things, but bullies they are not. They are both decent men. One is more decent than the other, but...

QUESTION 8:
Which Vice Presidential candidate used Heart's song "Barracuda" as his/her speech introduction music? Note: Although all rights to use the song were paid for and properly commissioned, the band did NOT want the music used.

b) Sarah Palin

Sarah Barracuda. Yeah, that's right. That's one of her nicknames. I prefer PALIN COMPARISON.

QUESTION 9:
Which candidate has better hair?

a) Barack Obama

It's thick and seemingly healthy. And, he's handsome, too. It's not that important for the presidency, but it's nice to look at a face that doesn't remind you off a baboon's ass.

QUESTION 10:
Who will you vote for in the upcoming United States Presidential Election?

That's the question of the year. Who will you vote for? Hopefully, you'll vote for the ticket whose policies you agree with and who you think will be better for you, your family and the country. If you are voting for a candidate because you'd rather have a beer with them, or because they are the same gender as you, or the same race as you, then you're missing the whole point of this election. But, I'll remind you...

You and yo' mama
Better vote for Obama
'Cause you'd be insane
To vote for McCain

...or something like that. :)

Politics Trivia - Who's Who In The Race To The White House (Layman's Edition)

I love trivia. Sometimes I'll just grab a stack of Trivial Pursuit cards and quiz myself. And, since it's heavy into politics season, I figured I'd try to stump some of you about the two candidates and their running mates. Please send your answers via email. Remember - There's only one answer per question. I'll post the correct answers before next week's column. As the brilliant Heath Ledger as The Joker said, "Here... we... go!"

QUESTION 1:
Which candidate is FOR off-shore oil drilling?

a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Who gives a shit? Off-shore drilling for oil is like a drug addict saying "I'm quitting drugs... after I finish the drugs I've got."
d) All of the above

QUESTION 2:
Which candidate actually has a plan to stop the genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan?

a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Most well-to-do Americans don't really care about poor people, especially if they're of a different skin tone.
d) None of the above

QUESTION 3:
Match the candidate and running mate with their religion:

Barack Obama
Joe Biden
John McCain
Sarah Palin

a) Episcopal
b) United Church Of Christ
c) Non-denominational Christian
d) Roman Catholic

QUESTION 4:
Which presidential candidate vows to stay in Iraq another "100 years" if necessary?

a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) It doesn't matter. Everyone knows that we'll have to live on Mars or Moon colonies in 50 years because we've made it almost impossible to live on earth because of pollution, declining resources and general stupidity.
d) None of the above

QUESTION 5:
Who's the crazier Vice Presidential candidate?

a) Joe Biden
b) Sarah Palin
c) Neither is crazy
d) They're equally crazy

QUESTION 6:
Which candidate "supports tough, direct presidential diplomacy with Iran without preconditions?"

a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Direct diplomacy without precondition? You mean talking to people instead of shoving a bomb up their arse? No way! We can't have that! That's insane!
d) None of the above

QUESTION 7:
Which candidate is FOR war with smaller countries that no one's really heard of just to exercise our power and push around the little guy a bit?

a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) All of the above
d) None of the above

QUESTION 8:
Which Vice Presidential candidate used Heart's song "Barracuda" as his/her speech introduction music? Note: Although all rights to use the song were paid for and properly commissioned, the band did NOT want the music used.

a) Joe Biden
b) Sarah Palin
c) Both
c) None of the above

QUESTION 9:
Which candidate has better hair?

a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Who cares? Great hair isn't a mark of a great president nor does it offer any indication as to who will be elected... or does it? W, Clinton, Bush1, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, Johnson, Kennedy, Eisen... DOH!
d) None of the above

QUESTION 10:
Who will you vote for in the upcoming United States Presidential Election?

a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Ralph Nader
d) Bob Barr
e) Write-In vote
f) Why vote? The corporations own this country which makes my vote not count.
g) None of the above

Please send in your answers as soon as possible so I can tally them and send CNN the results. Thank you. And, I'll leave you with a final thought. I showed the following to a friend of mine already, but I thought it would fit this column.

If the great Muhammad Ali was a young man during this election, and if he was asked who he was going to vote for, he'd say something like this:

You and yo' mama
Better vote for Obama
'Cause you'd be insane
To vote for McCain!

The Jacket, The Kit and The Golden Ticket

I'm convinced (along with a friend of mine) that there's a conspiracy-like system in Hollywood. I'll be honest. It's because I'm on the outside looking in. Yes, yes. I know. I could even be on some sort of black list. And, not the hip HBO documentary. No. What I'm on is the 1950s Joe McCarthy/Communist type of black list. But, why? Why do I actually have some great material and it's not being made, sold or looked at? I dunno. I'm so confused. I'm walking into walls. I'm looking under my bed. I'm scratching my head. Sam I am.

Some of my material is horrid. The first few scripts are really bad. Lots of "he walks over to the..." and "he approaches..." and boring stuff going on. The stories were about people not doing much of anything. Just men and women kinda walking around and then dying. But, I wrote those in like 1998. I was 18. I didn't even have hair on my arms yet. I was behind the curve, okay? I knew it then. I had to learn. So, I did. I spent the last ten years writing and revising, working on the craft, really studying all the parts that go into writing a screenplay. I went to seminars, read books, read scripts... I even participated in what I call method writing - I'd live the life of my characters, even going so far as to grow a mustache like Tom Selleck, only my mustache was thin, creepy and uneven, not thick, manly and perfect.

In 2004, I got an internship reading scripts. Coverage. Here's what I learned from reading scripts and writing coverage: Really bad screenplays get produced. And, I mean really bad. And, there's not really a method to the madness. Sometimes well known actors will be a part of scripts that are just plain awful, but they wrote them or know the guy who wrote them so they want to produce them. Sometimes a writer that already has an agent turns out a piece of junk, but he's in. And, once you're in, you're golden. Which brings me to my big theory...

There's a system in Hollywood that allows you to work. The system consists of The Jacket, The Kit and The Golden Ticket. First, The Jacket. Much like the Masters tournament in professional golf, when you win you receive a green jacket. Of course, I don't know if it's green or not. I've never been to the ceremony. But, I'm convinced that the select few receive a jacket of some brilliant color and that jacket means they're in. They're in the club. They win. They can make movies for a living now. Yippee! But, how do you get this elusive jacket? Huh? Well, one of the ways to get The Jacket is to get The Kit.

The Kit is a small wooden box that looks like it's relic from BC. And, in this little box is a few things. First, a vial of special potion. This potion is like a steroid. You must take a drop of the potion everyday before your workout. In less than two weeks, you end up looking like Brad Pitt in FIGHT CLUB or Matthew McConaughey every day of his life. Or, you look like pretty much every celebrity actor and actress. The point is that you look like an underwear ad - skinny with muscles. One of the other things in The Kit is a thick head of hair. I don't know quite how this works, but it's true. "Before" pictures show you as a normal, balding man. "After" pictures show you as Brad Pitt in FIGHT CLUB. These are two of the things you get in The Kit. I don't know what the others are because, again, I don't have The Kit. I just know of its existence. But, the problem is for silly pions like me is that you need The Jacket before you get The Kit. But, you can't get The Jacket unless you have The Kit. Yeah. You figure it out. The Catch 22. But, there's a way around both. And, that's if you have The Golden Ticket.

Yes. It's a reference to Willy Wonka. Every year, someone receives a Golden Ticket, but in Hollywood, you don't buy a candy bar and get a ticket. It's a mystery as to how to obtain one. It's more powerful than The Jacket and The Kit combined. In fact, you don't need either The Jacket or The Kit if you have The Golden Ticket. You can be fat, bald, talentless, all-around useless and still gain entry into working Hollywood. This is the route a lot of people are hoping for. A lot of out-of-work actors, writers and directors think that they're owed something, that they're so good that someone will come up to them off the street and hand them a six picture contract and a suitcase filled with a million dollars (and The Jacket and The Kit, of course) and their lives will be changed. I am not one of those people. I work hard. I write everyday. Even if that means writing a crappy blog. Hey!

I write more than any amateur or professional that I've ever known or heard of. In the past four years, I've written or co-written eleven feature length screenplays, all of which but one have not been produced, sold, read or looked at. These are some of the best: BUCCANEER. It's a love story about a modern day pirate in Hawaii. RIVER ROSE AND THE HORN OF AFRICA. This is an Indiana Jones-like adventure about a globetrotting activist thrust into a civil war in Africa. SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW. It's the story of Hawaiian singing legend Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole. THE GREAT EXCHANGE. It's about a selfish corporate CEO who sees a mystic vision that convinces him to give up all of his material possessions. KING OF DETROIT. It's a mixed martial arts ROCKY. CUBA ROAD. A fact based horror story. MAGIC MAN. A slapstick comedy set in and around the world of Las Vegas magicians. BIRTH OF A GUNSLINGER. An epic western. PADDY MATTHEWS. A romantic comedy much like MRS. DOUBTFIRE. And, there are a few more sprinkled in.

Now, I'm not one to complain... Actually, I am one to complain. But, I try not to that much. I try to work hard and stay focused. I try to get better with every script. I try to think of great stories that can be familiar yet fresh and exciting. And, I... Boo, hoo. Blah, blah, blah. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Grrr... Come on! Does anyone have The Golden Ticket that they want to give to me? Or, do you want to invite me to a special location and fit me for that Jacket? Or, can you just send over The Kit? Hell... I don't even want the whole kit. I'll settle for the thick head of hair.

Birthday Boy

Jack Lennon Wright was born on Tuesday, August 26, 2008 at 12:16 p.m. at a healthy 5 pounds 2 ounces. He's my first child. And, with him, my wife Tiffiny and I started a new tradition on birthdays. We've talked about it for a couple of years now. We knew that with our first kid, we'd kick the whole thing off. And, this morning, bright and early, instead of showering him with material items and presents, we donated $25 to John Prendergast's ENOUGH Project in Jack's name. Every birthday to follow will not be about receiving, but about giving.

We love music, and made it one of our number one priorities to have music playing in the delivery room. As fate would have it, in the moment that Jack was being born, John Lennon's "Imagine" came on and filled the room. A symbol? Maybe. Coincidence? Absolutely not. A great tune? Yes, sir-ree-bob. We were already kicking around middle name options, and one of the finalists was Lennon. But, we wanted to let the day play out and not force anything. Let's just say things worked out.

Most everyone knows The Beatles' music. A lot of people know about John Lennon's solo music. And, those who know about his music, know that most of his songs are charged with social and political themes. Ben Harper has a great line in his song "Better Way" - it says "What good is a cynic with no better plan?" A cynic John Lennon was not. He provided clear cut answers on how to solve some of the world's problems. And, for every person that called him naive, there were a thousand that took his message into their homes and spread the word, and lived those ideas.

We try and live by those Lennon messages of peace and love. Try. We definitely have our faults, and we certainly don't succeed all the time. In fact, I'm one of the most flawed people that I know. And, I don't have any answers. I only have more questions, a goal in mind, and a few ways I think I can help to achieve what I'd consider a great life. One of those ways is to give. Whether you consider it the Christian way, or charitable, or kind, I don't know. I'm not doing it to get a medal or honor. I just feel this is doing my tiny little part.

So, I encourage any and everyone to break those traditions of accepting gifts on your birthday. Throw a party, have a blast, drink alcohol, rock'n'roll... but, let people know that if they want to give you a gift, donate to a charity in your name. Imagine that. If everyone you knew donated to a charity on your birthday instead of buying you a watch or giving you a gift certificate or a DVD or a decorative candle, imagine the outcome. The world would be a little bit better of a place, and the only trade off is that your apartment wouldn't smell like Cinnamon Pumpkin. Not a bad trade.

Why did we pick ENOUGH Project? First, because it's a charity that uses means to try and stop crimes against humanity. To us, the worst thing in the world is violence against children. And, what the ENOUGH Project is fighting is that times three hundred thousand. This next part may be hard to hear, but it's essential to know because we're all part of the human kind. Women are being systematically raped, children are being abused, murdered, and forced to witness heinous acts. If you want a little taste of the horrific things happening, visit Mia Farrow's website http://www.miafarrow.org/. Read the articles. Look at the pictures. Research this stuff. Inform yourself. The more you know, the easier it gets to try and help. But, this isn't the only charity doing great work. There are many, many more. Chances are there's a Goodwill right around the corner from where you live.

As an aspiring film guy, I'm constantly writing about subjects that are important to me. I feel that films should be entertaining AND be something more. Sean Penn said on Inside The Actor's Studio something to the affect of "... if I want entertainment, I'll get an eight ball and a couple of hookers..." Obviously, he was proving a point. There can always be something more, and the best films always speak to the audience on different levels. I co-wrote a script called RIVER ROSE AND THE HORN OF AFRICA. I invented this character, River Rose, that is the best of us... what I aspire to be. He's a humanitarian, a philanthropist, but he's also an action hero. So, this is what I can do. I can write movies. And, I can donate small amounts of money.

And, every single person I know has unbelievably gifted qualities that they can use to help other people, too. Whether you're great at over-the-phone sales, or know sports facts and statistics, or you're a working class hero, or you can run a marathon, you can use your wonderful skills to help. That's what's so cool about it. Do what you do, and it'll all work out.

Vacation From It All

I've been kicking around the idea for this next topic for quite some time now. I've had brief discussions with a couple of different people about who is the FUNNIEST FILM ACTOR IN THEIR PRIME. And, I've always come back to one single actor/comedian. There a few names that always are in the top three or five, but one sticks out above the rest.

First, some notes. As a budding filmmaker, I'm in complete awe of anyone who's funny for a living. I simply cannot do what these brilliant geniuses do every day for millions of people. Comedy is the toughest of all the genres of film, by far. And, making someone laugh is probably the closest we can get on earth to a God-like or God-ish or God-y feeling. So, by not mentioning a comedian on this short list, it is in no way saying that I don't think they're funny. I will forget to mention some names. I race to the theater to see all comedies.

Another limitation to this list is the FILM actor part of it. There are stand-up comedians whose routines I've studied to the word and that I worship, but they're not on this list because they're mostly stand-up guys. Guys like Chris Rock (arguably the best current stand-up in the world), George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Dave Chappelle, Dane Cook - they might have done movies, but they're best in their act. Sometimes the silver screen actually takes away from their brilliance. Or, their act hasn't translated well yet into films. When it does, it'll be wonderful.

Additionally, there are comic geniuses that have specifically stayed on TV, or mostly on TV, that have not made the list. Again, I idolize these comedians. In fact, my hero, Larry David, is this group. Legends like Bill Cosby, Carol Burnett and Jerry Seinfeld must be named, but they are mostly TV and/or stand-up.

Also, I have another completely separate category for those who've paved the way. These are the comic influences who were first, but not necessarily the funniest. If not for them, we wouldn't have some of these on the list, or all on the list. But, they've obviously influenced the great comedic minds to follow, and these are guys like Lenny Bruce, Jerry Lewis, The Marx Bros., Chaplin, Laurel & Hardy and Keaton.

So, on to film actors. Some names that didn't make the top list, but I adore(d) and admire(d), are Chris Farley, John Candy, Sasha Baron Cohen, Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, Mike Myers, Mel Brooks, Chris Tucker, Steve Carrell, Tina Fey, Peter Sellers, Billy Crystal, Dan Aykroyd, Tim Allen, Dana Carvey, Ben Stiller, Paul Reiser, Nathan Lane, Richard Lewis, Martin Lawrence, Jack Black, Woody Allen, Martin Short, Lily Tomlin and Garry Shandling, to name just a few of the dozens of others. Remember, we're focusing on their prime. So, some of these names haven't hit their prime yet, or haven't accumulated enough great films/characters to push these top guys off, even though I love every name I just wrote.

One last mention is that the films had to be great. There are some funny roles, but the films aren't what I'd consider classics of comedy. And, the films had to be released in their prime years. So, without further ado, here's the list of seven funniest film actors in their prime:

Albert Brooks (TAXI DRIVER, MODERN ROMANCE, LOST IN AMERICA, BROADCAST NEWS, DEFENDING YOUR LIFE, MOTHER, THE MUSE) - A true comic genius who writes, directs and stars in his best movies. A lot of people claim that he's the West Coast Woody Allen. Although that could be considered flattering, I think it's a bit lazy. Albert Brooks is one of cinema's true comic auteurs. He shapes his films into tiny stories about us all, easily accessible. And, they're staples of their time without being dated. MODERN ROMANCE and LOST IN AMERICA are as relevant now as they were thirty years ago. His movies are can't miss events. My personal favorite is THE MUSE.

Robin Williams (GOOD MORNING VIETNAM, MRS. DOUBTFIRE, THE BIRDCAGE, GOOD WILL HUNTING) - I think of all the comedians on this list, Robin Williams has the toughest time. Capturing his comedy on screen is like trying to capture lightning in a bottle. He's so quick, so funny that sometimes his thoughts don't translate. But, when they do, it's magic. GOOD MORNING VIETNAM and MRS. DOUBTFIRE were perfect vehicles for him. They let him showcase his brilliant improv skills onto the screen. I think some of his funniest moments ever captured were those in interviews like Inside The Actor's Studio with James Lipton. But, my favorite role of his was that of Sean Maguire in GOOD WILL HUNTING. He was funny through out, but what was amazing was his giant heart.

Bill Murray (CADDYSHACK, GHOSTBUSTERS, WHAT ABOUT BOB?, GROUNDHOG DAY, KINGPIN, RUSHMORE, THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU) - I smile when I think of Bill Murray. He's one of us. A buddy. A pal who you golf with every weekend. He's the guy whose always got something to say about everything. The stand-out of his career is the way his comedy has matured and aged with grace. He started off as the goof, but in a film like RUSHMORE, he paced himself, bringing out a comic subtlety and such a nuanced performance that he actually reinvented his humor. He carried that on into subsequent Wes Anderson films like THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS and THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU. But, he struck comedy gold as Phil... Phil Connors in GROUNDHOG DAY. One of the most watchable movies ever, GROUNDHOG DAY exemplified his talent in so many ways.

Eddie Murphy (48 HRS., TRADING PLACES, BEVERLY HILLS COP, COMING TO AMERICA, BOWFINGER, SHREK) - Eddie Murphy was 21 years old when he started off in films. 21! And, because of that, he's in a category all by himself. Usually comedians are like great wine - they get better with age. Eddie Murphy is still funny, but in the 80s, he was classic. BEVERLY HILLS COP is one of those movies that redefined action, and set up a new genre - Action/Comedy. In the 90s, he did BOWFINGER, which is one of the funniest films of the last 10 years. But, his most quotable and best film is COMING TO AMERICA. This is where he started to do the Peter Sellers inspired more-than-one-role routine. And now, that's his calling card. A lot of critics and fans give Eddie Murphy a hard time because of his latest comedy roles, but I think he got so big so quick, that some of the rougher, more gritty comedy scripts haven't been thrown his way. I'd love for him to do an indie comedy. There is talk about him returning to the stage again, which is exciting. But, he's best when he's allowed to dive below the studio safety line.

Steve Martin (THE JERK, PLANES TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES, PARENTHOOD, FATHER OF THE BRIDE, BOWFINGER, BABY MAMA) - Of all the people on this list, he might have the best comic mind. I think he operates on levels that the mortal man can't even see. His books are too much - he's almost too smart at some points. Then, you watch THE JERK and realize that his humor has no limitations. He's a master at the remake, with films like FATHER OF THE BRIDE, CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN and THE PINK PANTHER. He can do any type of comedy. Physical. Check. Witty. Check. Low brow, high brow. Everything-in-between brow. And, he's written some masterworks like BOWFINGER. My favorite of his is PLANES TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES. The perfect blend of buddy humor and big heart, PLANES TRAINS has the most classic moments and is at the peak of the era.

Jim Carrey (ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE, DUMB & DUMBER, THE CABLE GUY, LIAR LIAR, MAN ON THE MOON, BRUCE ALMIGHTY, FUN WITH DICK AND JANE) - He came on the scene like the Tasmanian Devil with ACE VENTURA. Then, he gave us DUMB & DUMBER. He owned the nineties. The perfect LIAR LIAR came out. People considered THE CABLE GUY a failure, but I think it's one of the funniest movies of his. Some of his best lines come from THE CABLE GUY. "I buy this time, you buy next." "Well look who decided to show..." It was a Ben Stiller/Jim Carrey collaboration - come on! Then, he showed that he can act with the best of them by playing Andy Kaufman in MAN ON THE MOON. His Tony Clifton was funnier than the original Tony Clifton. BRUCE ALMIGHTY was a smash hit. But, the greatest thing about Jim Carrey is his maturation into a social and political commentator, but still as funny as ever. This might come as a shock, but FUN WITH DICK AND JANE is my favorite of his. Maybe it's because I've been down-and-out, electricity turned off, no food in the fridge. But, he maintains his hilarity, but also made an important picture challenging the status quo. He tackled corporate greed with a comic flare. If you don't agree with me on this one, watch it again soon. You'll see that he's managed to make us laugh... and THINK.

And, the gold medal goes to...

Chevy Chase (CADDYSHACK, VACATION, FLETCH, SPIES LIKE US, FUNNY FARM, CHRISTMAS VACATION) - There are some that have stayed in the spotlight longer. Some that have made more comedy money. Some that continue to make blockbuster comedies year in and year out, but for nine years from 1980 to 1989, there was no one as funny as Chevy Chase. His prime years beat anyone else's prime years. And, his classics are classics that will never fade, that have defined an age, and that are must-watches at certain times of the year. CADDYSHACK was a classic film. Some say it's the funniest comedy ever. Even though his role was small, it was crucial. Then, VACATION hit. That's only one of the funniest movies ever. He followed that up with FLETCH, one of cinema's greatest characters. When he teamed up with Dan Aykroyd in SPIES LIKE US, he gave us one of the best comedy scenes in history: "... Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor... aaaand Doctor." Then, the little seen FUNNY FARM came out, and floored everyone who saw it. "I don't want a rebate. I want a goddamn refund!" Then, the best movie he's ever made. To me, the funniest comedy ever. The movie that I watch every year at the holidays.

CHRISTMAS VACATION. This is the ultimate funny movie. And, his Clark W. Griswold is the funniest character in movies. The thing about Chevy Chase is that he's a really good actor. So, you're in from the beginning. But, CHRISTMAS VACATION starts with a classic comic setup and never stops. It just keeps getting funnier and funnier. "This is the spirit of the Griswold's family Christmas" in a perfect cold lisp. This is what makes Christmas special - this movie. If you've never seen it, run to Best Buy and purchase a copy. If you have, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Ahh... "That's it. That's the big one." Everyone's favorite comedy is different. I'd love to hear your opinions on who you think is the funniest actor. But, until you post and prove me wrong, Mr. Chevy Chase is king. Oh, and I have another question:

Why does Listerine hurt so much?

"You're Late." "Traffic."

Those were lines from the 1996 Arnold Schwarzenegger film ERASER. Vanessa Williams, in a pretty hairy situation involving zoo animals and special forces gunmen, turns to our hero and and questions his tardiness. And, in his still thick accent after forty years in America, Arnold utters "Traffic." And, she gets it. She doesn't say another word about it. It's understood. Case closed. Good night. See ya later. As Larry David would say... "Okay."

Traffic. My latest arch enemy. It used to be that Stephen A. Smith was my nemesis. As an avid NBA fan, I enjoy the season's weekly ESPN broadcast full of highlights, replays, dunks, domination... NOT Stephen A. Smith. Really, Stephen A. Smith? Sometimes I think networks hire analysts (and I use the word 'analyst' loosely when describing Stephen A.) to just plain annoy us fans. And, unfortunately, annoying = ratings. Look at Bill O'Reilly. Stephen A. Smith is in O'Reily's category. Everything that comes out of this guy's mouth is hard to hear. There's a rhythm to it like there's a rhythm to Snots "yacking on a bone" in CHRISTMAS VACATION. But, I like Snots. Stephen A. Smith - the same guy who thought the Celtics made a mistake picking up Ray Allen. The same guy who steps on the great Bill Walton's toes every broadcast night. He's the worst. But, if I had a choice between watching The Stephen A. Smith Show telethon or sitting in traffic, I'd turn on the surround sound for Mr. Smith, kick up my feet, and yabba, dabba, doo.

Traffic, man. Or, WO-man. It hurts thinking about it. Ow! And, Los Angeles traffic is the worst. I never took my driver's education course here, so I don't know exactly how it works in the great state of California (say 'California' how Arnold says it - say it...). But, I'm guessing one of the lessons goes a little something like this:

Ted the Driving Instructor: "Okay, son. We're gonna go out today and learn a couple of tricks that'll help ya out on the streets of SoCal. Lesson one. Let's say you're out driving. And, you wanna take a left turn. Here's what you do... Get all the way in the right lane."

16-Year-Old Brian: "But, you just said LEFT turn..."

Ted the Driving Instructor: "I know, son. Now shut up and listen."

16-Year-Old Brian: "Okay..."

Ted the Driving Instructor: "All right, now. You're in the right line. All the way right. The light's coming up soon, about a hundred yards away. Stay in that right lane! Stay there! Patience, boy! Wait for it! Now, you're about fifty yards away from that left turn, but you damn well better stay in that right lane! All right. You're driving. You're driving. And, when you're ten feet from the intersection - I said ten 'feet', not ten yards - when you're ten feet away from your turn, jerk the steering wheel to the left, cross four lanes of traffic, cut off six cars, and jump into the left turn lane. But, make sure the ass of your car is sticking out into traffic. All right?! Then, when the light's been red for at least three seconds and you hear at least one honk, then you go ahead and make your turn. That's standard, textbook California driving boy."

16-Year-Old Brian: "Uh..."

That move is one of many bold, lunatic moves of Southern California drivers. Another great move is the ol' Swirve-Into-Your-Lane-On-The-Freeway trick. It's great because you get to taste death. And, that really puts things into perspective. Another move is the Nice-Car-Stopped-For-No-Reason. It could be a Lexus. It could be a Focus. I know gas is expensive, but... It's at least once a day. One time a day I'll see a girl in her BMW with the hazard lights flashing in the middle of the road. Government conspiracy to cause more traffic which in turn uses more gas which in turn lines the pockets of the evil oil companies perched high up in their towers of destructive power...? I think so. :)

California also just made into law the hands-free cell phone in the car. You cannot talk on your cell phone using your hands in the car... unless you're EVERYONE. I've never seen so many doing just that. Nice law, Arnold.

All right... As I think of or experience more daily traffic blunders, I'll let you know. I'll personally call each one of you and tell you what happened. We'll relive it together. Until next time, be well everyone. But, before I go, I'll leave you on this note:

Why do all tourists visiting Los Angeles rent convertible Mustangs?