I know I'm getting a little ahead of myself, but I'd like to officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States in 2016. I feel that I bring a ton... nay, a boatload of experience and leadership to the position, as well as a keen understanding of how the executive branch of our government works.
I'm whip smart on my best days, and on my worst, I'm not too shabby. I'm a quick thinker, an even quicker learner, and I really work hard. I'm a dedicated patriot who thought long and hard about joining the military in 2001, right after 9/11, but I decided that the folks at the Hilton in Woodland Hills valet department needed me a little more. But, this time, I'm clearing my slate in eight years so I can serve my beloved country. So, I'd like to roll out some of my views and policies on major issues that I feel will be important to our great nation in the near future. And, I want to plant the seed for early voters. So, my long time friends and fellow USAers, let's rumble...
On Defense... Because I was raised in Chicago in the 80s and 90s, I realized early on that defense wins championships. To put that in political terms, defense wins the real life version of RISK. The 1985 Chicago Bears had arguably NFL's greatest all-time defense. Dan Hampton, William "The Refrigerator" Perry, Richard Dent, Mike Singletary, Wilbur Marshall, Gary Fencik - these guys kicked ass and took name. Then, in the 90s, the Chicago Bulls won six rings led by the greatest defense in NBA history - MJ, Scottie and Dennis Rodman. These guys plain know defense. And, they know how to win. Wars? The same thing applies. So, my military cabinet would be filled with these players. Trust me. It translates. If film actors can be President, Samurai Mike can at least be Secretary of Defense.
On Taxes... I would raise taxes on the upper class. Anyone bringing in over, um, let's say... $5 million dollars a year must pay 95% taxes on their income over $5 million. Anyone making under $45,000 a year would NOT PAY FEDERAL TAXES. I believe in and love capitalism. But, if you make over $5,000,000 a year, that's just stupid money. How much money does one man or woman or family really need? When you're making over $5 million a year, you're doing things like buying diamond encrusted picture frames and wearing thousand dollar T-shirts. It's excess. It's not necessary. So, we're gonna fix some roads and pay some teachers.
On Education... No Child Left Behind isn't working. Hopefully, the candidate that I think will win and run the House for the next eight years will develop a better education system. But, just in case that man doesn't, here's my plan: It's called In Your Shoes. And, here's what it entails: Preschoolers, elementary schoolers, middle schoolers and high schoolers from well-to-do parts of the country will switch off every other week with Preschoolers, elementary schoolers, middle schoolers and high schoolers from poor parts of the country. They'll trade schools. This way, every student has a chance at the best teachers... and the worst. Now, I know what you're saying. How do we get that many kids to and from different schools every other week? My answer: Really good bus drivers. Expert bus drivers. Well-paid bus drivers. The bus driving community is a group that most forget about. But, these do-gooders sacrifice life and limb for America's students. And, I feel really bad about the twelve years of torture I put my bus drivers through. This is a chance to repay them in my small way, and redesign the educational system.
On the Environment... The minute I'm in office, I will start The Wright Way one-year initiative. This initiative states that there are no more harmful emissions in one year from the time I take office. Car companies must develop alternative energy to fuel the nation's automobiles. Energy companies must provide the choice between wind or solar. Waste companies must hire Superman to gather all the garbage in the world once a week into a big net and chuck it so far into space that we never see it ever again, so it's some other universe's problem. Al Gore will lead a crack team of experts in solving every major environmental problem. He must make Leonardo DiCaprio a part of this team so I can finally meet him because he's my favorite actor. I'm dead serious about all of this. Leo is the best actor out there. AND, he wants to make a difference.
On Veterans... All persons who serve in the military will receive a modest home in the city of their choosing, a modest vehicle of their choosing and a modest paycheck every other week until death. And, they get to cut in line at movie theaters. In addition, they're supplied with free 24 hour psychological services. Also, I encourage all Americans to not only shake the hand of an ex-military serviceman or woman, but to engage in conversation about life as a serviceman and other topics, and share the knowledge with your friends and family.
On Faith and Religion... I'm for total separation of church and state, and I will not pray in the White House... except when we're at war with other countries or I really, really, really need answers to difficult problems.
On Crimes Against Humanity... Any crime against humanity in the form of genocide, mass rape and/or murder, sex crimes against women and/or children will result in an American military intervention until the crime is not only solved, but the victims liberated and perpetrators brought to justice. I will start an international task force led by nations that have been victims of crimes against humanity (Israel, Rwanda, United States, etc.) that will investigate and use force if necessary. Then, I will make the villains crawl around a big bowl filled with different types of spiders. Those evil shitheads.
On Foreign Policy... When it comes to enemies of the US, I feel pretty much the same as Conan the Barbarian, which is: "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women!" But, let me break it down. Crush your enemies: if we defeat them here, there and everywhere, we will never have to worry about future wars. See them driven before you: we must watch them be pile driven into the ground. Hear the lamentation of the women: this part really doesn't make sense, but it's part of the whole quote, so I didn't want to leave it out. As for our friendly world neighbors, I feel we should set up a tea time and a tee time. Camomile and Golf. We must relax and enjoy our friends.
On Healthcare... Every single American will be fully covered. And, that's that. From HIV/AIDS to a scratched knee, no matter your race or economic status, you will never see a medical bill ever again. And, you definitely won't see any bill collector mail or phone calls who used to be a medical billing departments after you. No way, mister.
On Homeland Security... At first, I wanted to build a wall around the entire country like they had in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK around Manhattan. I wanted to build the wall across the entire Mexican border, the Canadien border, the West and East coasts of the continental states, and around each Hawaiian island and Alaska. But, I thought about it more. And, I came to the conclusion that only seven hundred miles of fence at parts of the Mexican border made sense. What does this have to do with Homeland Security? I just feel more secured, you know, in the homeland, if we have walls up.
And, this is just a start. Obviously, I have more ideas on these topics, but this is just a little taste of what you'd see from my administration. We'd really make a difference. And, most importantly, we'd throw a weekly party at the White House with half-off cover charge for modern day pirates who wear eye patches.
