Those were lines from the 1996 Arnold Schwarzenegger film ERASER. Vanessa Williams, in a pretty hairy situation involving zoo animals and special forces gunmen, turns to our hero and and questions his tardiness. And, in his still thick accent after forty years in America, Arnold utters "Traffic." And, she gets it. She doesn't say another word about it. It's understood. Case closed. Good night. See ya later. As Larry David would say... "Okay."
Traffic. My latest arch enemy. It used to be that Stephen A. Smith was my nemesis. As an avid NBA fan, I enjoy the season's weekly ESPN broadcast full of highlights, replays, dunks, domination... NOT Stephen A. Smith. Really, Stephen A. Smith? Sometimes I think networks hire analysts (and I use the word 'analyst' loosely when describing Stephen A.) to just plain annoy us fans. And, unfortunately, annoying = ratings. Look at Bill O'Reilly. Stephen A. Smith is in O'Reily's category. Everything that comes out of this guy's mouth is hard to hear. There's a rhythm to it like there's a rhythm to Snots "yacking on a bone" in CHRISTMAS VACATION. But, I like Snots. Stephen A. Smith - the same guy who thought the Celtics made a mistake picking up Ray Allen. The same guy who steps on the great Bill Walton's toes every broadcast night. He's the worst. But, if I had a choice between watching The Stephen A. Smith Show telethon or sitting in traffic, I'd turn on the surround sound for Mr. Smith, kick up my feet, and yabba, dabba, doo.
Traffic, man. Or, WO-man. It hurts thinking about it. Ow! And, Los Angeles traffic is the worst. I never took my driver's education course here, so I don't know exactly how it works in the great state of California (say 'California' how Arnold says it - say it...). But, I'm guessing one of the lessons goes a little something like this:
Ted the Driving Instructor: "Okay, son. We're gonna go out today and learn a couple of tricks that'll help ya out on the streets of SoCal. Lesson one. Let's say you're out driving. And, you wanna take a left turn. Here's what you do... Get all the way in the right lane."
16-Year-Old Brian: "But, you just said LEFT turn..."
Ted the Driving Instructor: "I know, son. Now shut up and listen."
16-Year-Old Brian: "Okay..."
Ted the Driving Instructor: "All right, now. You're in the right line. All the way right. The light's coming up soon, about a hundred yards away. Stay in that right lane! Stay there! Patience, boy! Wait for it! Now, you're about fifty yards away from that left turn, but you damn well better stay in that right lane! All right. You're driving. You're driving. And, when you're ten feet from the intersection - I said ten 'feet', not ten yards - when you're ten feet away from your turn, jerk the steering wheel to the left, cross four lanes of traffic, cut off six cars, and jump into the left turn lane. But, make sure the ass of your car is sticking out into traffic. All right?! Then, when the light's been red for at least three seconds and you hear at least one honk, then you go ahead and make your turn. That's standard, textbook California driving boy."
16-Year-Old Brian: "Uh..."
That move is one of many bold, lunatic moves of Southern California drivers. Another great move is the ol' Swirve-Into-Your-Lane-On-The-Freeway trick. It's great because you get to taste death. And, that really puts things into perspective. Another move is the Nice-Car-Stopped-For-No-Reason. It could be a Lexus. It could be a Focus. I know gas is expensive, but... It's at least once a day. One time a day I'll see a girl in her BMW with the hazard lights flashing in the middle of the road. Government conspiracy to cause more traffic which in turn uses more gas which in turn lines the pockets of the evil oil companies perched high up in their towers of destructive power...? I think so. :)
California also just made into law the hands-free cell phone in the car. You cannot talk on your cell phone using your hands in the car... unless you're EVERYONE. I've never seen so many doing just that. Nice law, Arnold.
All right... As I think of or experience more daily traffic blunders, I'll let you know. I'll personally call each one of you and tell you what happened. We'll relive it together. Until next time, be well everyone. But, before I go, I'll leave you on this note:
Why do all tourists visiting Los Angeles rent convertible Mustangs?
