I want to take some time this week and congratulate a friend of mine, Richard Long, that's been looking for a job for about six months. Dick's been really grinding it out and sending out resumes and filling out applications, and finally, he got an interview and was subsequently hired. In these rough times, it's a blessing that he got the job. He was on the verge of home foreclosure, his car was about to be repossessed, and his wife was going to divorce his sorry ass. But, because he found work, he has an income to pay for all of the above. And, the reason I'm writing this post at this time is because I'm jealous. I now envy his life that I once shamed. I wish I was Dick.
Dick was hired by the Elk Grove Village based company Ignorance, Inc. It's a shipping and receiving company that does a lot of processing of items that are bought and sold. It's the ideal company to work for not only because the owner and CEO is an affable, down-to-earth guy that greets all the employees at the door with a warm smile and an even warmer cup of coffee, but Ignorance offers the best benefits package possible, with full dental, medical, and the world's greatest 401K. And, I yearn for the day I can finally be at par with Dick, in this regard. But, the thing is this: Dick said the benefits weren't just the great insurance coverage. There's something more. Benefits meant something different. But, what?
After hours and hours of incessant inquest, Dick wouldn't tell me what exactly the benefits package consisted of. Sure, he told me about the medical, dental and 401K, but when he said 'benefits', he wasn't talking about that. He was talking about some secretive, fraternity-like, for-their-eyes-only type deal. "What the fuck, Dick!? Just tell me!" I said to him. I constantly badgered him. But, to no avail. He was holding out big time. I couldn't break him, even when I threatened to break him by saying "I must break you." Nothing. Ah! Tell me!
I thought about hacking into Ignorance's computer files like you see in the movies. But, I quickly remembered that I don't know how to hack into anything. I don't even really know what hacking into something means. So, that plan was out. But, I had to know. It was killing me. I thought of performing a B & E at the Elk Grove offices, you know, to search the Human Resource office for some new-hire paperwork that would possibly lead me to some answers. But, I figured if I get caught, I'd go to Cook County jail where I heard the other inmates anally rape you, and that's no fun. So...
I invited myself, my wife and my young son over to Dick's for dinner one night. And, because Dick's an avid reader of this blog, this is somewhat of a confession. Hi, Dick. We went over to his/your place in Waukegan, a real nice three story town-home with all the fixings. We had a very pleasant steak and potato dinner with orange Fanta to drink. Very nice. And, after dinner, I excused myself to the upstairs bathroom, which was the perfect plan because anyone that knows me knows that I have a very soft stomach. It's more than soft. I had Salmonella in the summer of 2007 from shitty hummus at the Taste of Chicago. There was literally human shit in the hummus that I gobbled down and, in turn, got deathly ill from. And, to this day, there are still traces of something in the old digestive system that makes complex meals difficult to digest. Food flies through me. Anyways, I headed for the upstairs bathroom. And, working out perfectly, Dick's office is on the same floor, far away from the prying owner's eyes. I thought he could have the documents in his office - why not? I would.
Really having to relieve myself, I went lightening quick. Push, push, wipe, wipe. Done. I figured I had five or so minutes to shuffle through his big oak desk and cabinets. So, I'm flipping through papers. Dick's wife's brief stint in a mental institution. The proof in writing. No big deal. We've all been there. Receipts for gallons upon gallons of WD40 oil lubricant. Creaking doors, I thought. Whatever. Then, JACKPOT. An Ignorance laminated folder. Here it was, staring me in the face. I had the answers to all life's important questions in my hand. So, I stuffed it into my V-neck sweater and made for the kitchen. "I'm not feeling too good. Honey, we better take off. Plus, Jackie Boy's getting tired." When in doubt, blame it on the baby.
I didn't want to tell my wife about my third floor mischief, so I waited until I got home to open the folder and view the contents. After putting the boy down for the night, I snuck into the bathroom with the folder still hidden from plain sight. "It's bubbling up again. I think that Stacy (Dick's wife) used some crazy next world spices for the steak. Ugh..." No explanation necessary. So, finally, I sat down on the toilet, unwrap the sweater that covers the folder. And, it's right there. I took a brief moment to marvel at the graphics on the front of the folder - Ignorance really does take that extra step. Then, I opened it.
But, before I can get the folder all the way open, I tiny sheet of scratch paper fell to the ground. It was folded in half, so I picked it up off the ground and unfolded. And, it read: "Mind your own business you nosey prick. - Dick" How did he know? I tore open the folder, and there wasn't a single sheet of paper. Not even a brochure or blank application. Dick beat me at my own game. That son of a bitch! I sat there on the toilet bowl, defeated, back where I started. I would never know what the real benefits of Ignorance were. Never. Dick's now living happy. Everyday he calls me and rubs it in my face. Ha, ha, ha. Joke's on me.
Oh, well. Good for Dick. At least he's working. He gets to keep his house and car. He's now happily married with twins on the way. He's got a great job with the best benefits you can find anywhere. He's content. And, damn it, I wish I had that fixed smirking expression on my face like he does. I wish I woke up everyday of the week and looked forward to the next eight hours of work. So, I applied. Now, I'm just waiting for a phone call. That phone call. Wish me the type of luck that Dick has. I'm going to need it.
