I'm convinced (along with a friend of mine) that there's a conspiracy-like system in Hollywood. I'll be honest. It's because I'm on the outside looking in. Yes, yes. I know. I could even be on some sort of black list. And, not the hip HBO documentary. No. What I'm on is the 1950s Joe McCarthy/Communist type of black list. But, why? Why do I actually have some great material and it's not being made, sold or looked at? I dunno. I'm so confused. I'm walking into walls. I'm looking under my bed. I'm scratching my head. Sam I am.
Some of my material is horrid. The first few scripts are really bad. Lots of "he walks over to the..." and "he approaches..." and boring stuff going on. The stories were about people not doing much of anything. Just men and women kinda walking around and then dying. But, I wrote those in like 1998. I was 18. I didn't even have hair on my arms yet. I was behind the curve, okay? I knew it then. I had to learn. So, I did. I spent the last ten years writing and revising, working on the craft, really studying all the parts that go into writing a screenplay. I went to seminars, read books, read scripts... I even participated in what I call method writing - I'd live the life of my characters, even going so far as to grow a mustache like Tom Selleck, only my mustache was thin, creepy and uneven, not thick, manly and perfect.
In 2004, I got an internship reading scripts. Coverage. Here's what I learned from reading scripts and writing coverage: Really bad screenplays get produced. And, I mean really bad. And, there's not really a method to the madness. Sometimes well known actors will be a part of scripts that are just plain awful, but they wrote them or know the guy who wrote them so they want to produce them. Sometimes a writer that already has an agent turns out a piece of junk, but he's in. And, once you're in, you're golden. Which brings me to my big theory...
There's a system in Hollywood that allows you to work. The system consists of The Jacket, The Kit and The Golden Ticket. First, The Jacket. Much like the Masters tournament in professional golf, when you win you receive a green jacket. Of course, I don't know if it's green or not. I've never been to the ceremony. But, I'm convinced that the select few receive a jacket of some brilliant color and that jacket means they're in. They're in the club. They win. They can make movies for a living now. Yippee! But, how do you get this elusive jacket? Huh? Well, one of the ways to get The Jacket is to get The Kit.
The Kit is a small wooden box that looks like it's relic from BC. And, in this little box is a few things. First, a vial of special potion. This potion is like a steroid. You must take a drop of the potion everyday before your workout. In less than two weeks, you end up looking like Brad Pitt in FIGHT CLUB or Matthew McConaughey every day of his life. Or, you look like pretty much every celebrity actor and actress. The point is that you look like an underwear ad - skinny with muscles. One of the other things in The Kit is a thick head of hair. I don't know quite how this works, but it's true. "Before" pictures show you as a normal, balding man. "After" pictures show you as Brad Pitt in FIGHT CLUB. These are two of the things you get in The Kit. I don't know what the others are because, again, I don't have The Kit. I just know of its existence. But, the problem is for silly pions like me is that you need The Jacket before you get The Kit. But, you can't get The Jacket unless you have The Kit. Yeah. You figure it out. The Catch 22. But, there's a way around both. And, that's if you have The Golden Ticket.
Yes. It's a reference to Willy Wonka. Every year, someone receives a Golden Ticket, but in Hollywood, you don't buy a candy bar and get a ticket. It's a mystery as to how to obtain one. It's more powerful than The Jacket and The Kit combined. In fact, you don't need either The Jacket or The Kit if you have The Golden Ticket. You can be fat, bald, talentless, all-around useless and still gain entry into working Hollywood. This is the route a lot of people are hoping for. A lot of out-of-work actors, writers and directors think that they're owed something, that they're so good that someone will come up to them off the street and hand them a six picture contract and a suitcase filled with a million dollars (and The Jacket and The Kit, of course) and their lives will be changed. I am not one of those people. I work hard. I write everyday. Even if that means writing a crappy blog. Hey!
I write more than any amateur or professional that I've ever known or heard of. In the past four years, I've written or co-written eleven feature length screenplays, all of which but one have not been produced, sold, read or looked at. These are some of the best: BUCCANEER. It's a love story about a modern day pirate in Hawaii. RIVER ROSE AND THE HORN OF AFRICA. This is an Indiana Jones-like adventure about a globetrotting activist thrust into a civil war in Africa. SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW. It's the story of Hawaiian singing legend Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole. THE GREAT EXCHANGE. It's about a selfish corporate CEO who sees a mystic vision that convinces him to give up all of his material possessions. KING OF DETROIT. It's a mixed martial arts ROCKY. CUBA ROAD. A fact based horror story. MAGIC MAN. A slapstick comedy set in and around the world of Las Vegas magicians. BIRTH OF A GUNSLINGER. An epic western. PADDY MATTHEWS. A romantic comedy much like MRS. DOUBTFIRE. And, there are a few more sprinkled in.
Now, I'm not one to complain... Actually, I am one to complain. But, I try not to that much. I try to work hard and stay focused. I try to get better with every script. I try to think of great stories that can be familiar yet fresh and exciting. And, I... Boo, hoo. Blah, blah, blah. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Grrr... Come on! Does anyone have The Golden Ticket that they want to give to me? Or, do you want to invite me to a special location and fit me for that Jacket? Or, can you just send over The Kit? Hell... I don't even want the whole kit. I'll settle for the thick head of hair.
