I know I'm getting a little ahead of myself, but I'd like to officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States in 2016. I feel that I bring a ton... nay, a boatload of experience and leadership to the position, as well as a keen understanding of how the executive branch of our government works.
I'm whip smart on my best days, and on my worst, I'm not too shabby. I'm a quick thinker, an even quicker learner, and I really work hard. I'm a dedicated patriot who thought long and hard about joining the military in 2001, right after 9/11, but I decided that the folks at the Hilton in Woodland Hills valet department needed me a little more. But, this time, I'm clearing my slate in eight years so I can serve my beloved country. So, I'd like to roll out some of my views and policies on major issues that I feel will be important to our great nation in the near future. And, I want to plant the seed for early voters. So, my long time friends and fellow USAers, let's rumble...
On Defense... Because I was raised in Chicago in the 80s and 90s, I realized early on that defense wins championships. To put that in political terms, defense wins the real life version of RISK. The 1985 Chicago Bears had arguably NFL's greatest all-time defense. Dan Hampton, William "The Refrigerator" Perry, Richard Dent, Mike Singletary, Wilbur Marshall, Gary Fencik - these guys kicked ass and took name. Then, in the 90s, the Chicago Bulls won six rings led by the greatest defense in NBA history - MJ, Scottie and Dennis Rodman. These guys plain know defense. And, they know how to win. Wars? The same thing applies. So, my military cabinet would be filled with these players. Trust me. It translates. If film actors can be President, Samurai Mike can at least be Secretary of Defense.
On Taxes... I would raise taxes on the upper class. Anyone bringing in over, um, let's say... $5 million dollars a year must pay 95% taxes on their income over $5 million. Anyone making under $45,000 a year would NOT PAY FEDERAL TAXES. I believe in and love capitalism. But, if you make over $5,000,000 a year, that's just stupid money. How much money does one man or woman or family really need? When you're making over $5 million a year, you're doing things like buying diamond encrusted picture frames and wearing thousand dollar T-shirts. It's excess. It's not necessary. So, we're gonna fix some roads and pay some teachers.
On Education... No Child Left Behind isn't working. Hopefully, the candidate that I think will win and run the House for the next eight years will develop a better education system. But, just in case that man doesn't, here's my plan: It's called In Your Shoes. And, here's what it entails: Preschoolers, elementary schoolers, middle schoolers and high schoolers from well-to-do parts of the country will switch off every other week with Preschoolers, elementary schoolers, middle schoolers and high schoolers from poor parts of the country. They'll trade schools. This way, every student has a chance at the best teachers... and the worst. Now, I know what you're saying. How do we get that many kids to and from different schools every other week? My answer: Really good bus drivers. Expert bus drivers. Well-paid bus drivers. The bus driving community is a group that most forget about. But, these do-gooders sacrifice life and limb for America's students. And, I feel really bad about the twelve years of torture I put my bus drivers through. This is a chance to repay them in my small way, and redesign the educational system.
On the Environment... The minute I'm in office, I will start The Wright Way one-year initiative. This initiative states that there are no more harmful emissions in one year from the time I take office. Car companies must develop alternative energy to fuel the nation's automobiles. Energy companies must provide the choice between wind or solar. Waste companies must hire Superman to gather all the garbage in the world once a week into a big net and chuck it so far into space that we never see it ever again, so it's some other universe's problem. Al Gore will lead a crack team of experts in solving every major environmental problem. He must make Leonardo DiCaprio a part of this team so I can finally meet him because he's my favorite actor. I'm dead serious about all of this. Leo is the best actor out there. AND, he wants to make a difference.
On Veterans... All persons who serve in the military will receive a modest home in the city of their choosing, a modest vehicle of their choosing and a modest paycheck every other week until death. And, they get to cut in line at movie theaters. In addition, they're supplied with free 24 hour psychological services. Also, I encourage all Americans to not only shake the hand of an ex-military serviceman or woman, but to engage in conversation about life as a serviceman and other topics, and share the knowledge with your friends and family.
On Faith and Religion... I'm for total separation of church and state, and I will not pray in the White House... except when we're at war with other countries or I really, really, really need answers to difficult problems.
On Crimes Against Humanity... Any crime against humanity in the form of genocide, mass rape and/or murder, sex crimes against women and/or children will result in an American military intervention until the crime is not only solved, but the victims liberated and perpetrators brought to justice. I will start an international task force led by nations that have been victims of crimes against humanity (Israel, Rwanda, United States, etc.) that will investigate and use force if necessary. Then, I will make the villains crawl around a big bowl filled with different types of spiders. Those evil shitheads.
On Foreign Policy... When it comes to enemies of the US, I feel pretty much the same as Conan the Barbarian, which is: "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women!" But, let me break it down. Crush your enemies: if we defeat them here, there and everywhere, we will never have to worry about future wars. See them driven before you: we must watch them be pile driven into the ground. Hear the lamentation of the women: this part really doesn't make sense, but it's part of the whole quote, so I didn't want to leave it out. As for our friendly world neighbors, I feel we should set up a tea time and a tee time. Camomile and Golf. We must relax and enjoy our friends.
On Healthcare... Every single American will be fully covered. And, that's that. From HIV/AIDS to a scratched knee, no matter your race or economic status, you will never see a medical bill ever again. And, you definitely won't see any bill collector mail or phone calls who used to be a medical billing departments after you. No way, mister.
On Homeland Security... At first, I wanted to build a wall around the entire country like they had in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK around Manhattan. I wanted to build the wall across the entire Mexican border, the Canadien border, the West and East coasts of the continental states, and around each Hawaiian island and Alaska. But, I thought about it more. And, I came to the conclusion that only seven hundred miles of fence at parts of the Mexican border made sense. What does this have to do with Homeland Security? I just feel more secured, you know, in the homeland, if we have walls up.
And, this is just a start. Obviously, I have more ideas on these topics, but this is just a little taste of what you'd see from my administration. We'd really make a difference. And, most importantly, we'd throw a weekly party at the White House with half-off cover charge for modern day pirates who wear eye patches.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Correct Answers - Politics Trivia
Just in case you're wondering what the correct answers are:
QUESTION 1:
Which candidate is FOR off-shore oil drilling?
d) All of the above
Unfortunately, both candidates support off-shore oil drilling. As Americans, we're addicted to a lot of things: fast food, coffee, cigarettes, meth... and oil. When are we going to collectively realize that using oil to fuel vehicles is just about the dumbest thing possible and not in our interest?
QUESTION 2:
Which candidate actually has a plan to stop the genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan?
a) Barack Obama
This is one of the most important topics in the world. Ask Bill Clinton what he regrets from his eight years in office. The first thing he'll tell you is that he didn't step in early enough in Rwanda. Eventually, the international community helped stop the genocide there, and look at Rwanda today - it's thriving. Rwanda should be used as the model for African nations in civil war and unrest. Sudan needs international help, and Barack's got an answer.
QUESTION 3:
Match the candidate and running mate with their religion:
Barack Obama - b) United Church Of Christ
Joe Biden - d) Roman Catholic
John McCain - a) Episcopal
Sarah Palin - c) Non-denominational Christian
Interesting...
QUESTION 4:
Which presidential candidate vows to stay in Iraq another "100 years" if necessary?
b) John McCain
Why not make it 100,000 years? Doesn't he know that we can't keep paying them to not attack us? Oops... I mean... the Surge won't work forever.
QUESTION 5:
Who's the crazier Vice Presidential candidate?
b) Sarah Palin
Not only is she crazier, she's dumber. She believes she has foreign policy experience because she can see Russia from her front porch. That's crazy, stupid, and down right scary.
QUESTION 6:
Which candidate "supports tough, direct presidential diplomacy with Iran without preconditions?"
a) Barack Obama
His idea, I think, is to find a common ground, and try and make peace in the Middle East in one of the most important and powerful countries there. Pretty smart.
QUESTION 7:
Which candidate is FOR war with smaller countries that no one's really heard of just to exercise our power and push around the little guy a bit?
d) None of the above
This one was sort of a trick question. Obviously, neither candidate is for war with smaller countries just to exercise our power and push around the little guy... that would be bullying. These two men are a lot of things, but bullies they are not. They are both decent men. One is more decent than the other, but...
QUESTION 8:
Which Vice Presidential candidate used Heart's song "Barracuda" as his/her speech introduction music? Note: Although all rights to use the song were paid for and properly commissioned, the band did NOT want the music used.
b) Sarah Palin
Sarah Barracuda. Yeah, that's right. That's one of her nicknames. I prefer PALIN COMPARISON.
QUESTION 9:
Which candidate has better hair?
a) Barack Obama
It's thick and seemingly healthy. And, he's handsome, too. It's not that important for the presidency, but it's nice to look at a face that doesn't remind you off a baboon's ass.
QUESTION 10:
Who will you vote for in the upcoming United States Presidential Election?
That's the question of the year. Who will you vote for? Hopefully, you'll vote for the ticket whose policies you agree with and who you think will be better for you, your family and the country. If you are voting for a candidate because you'd rather have a beer with them, or because they are the same gender as you, or the same race as you, then you're missing the whole point of this election. But, I'll remind you...
You and yo' mama
Better vote for Obama
'Cause you'd be insane
To vote for McCain
...or something like that. :)
QUESTION 1:
Which candidate is FOR off-shore oil drilling?
d) All of the above
Unfortunately, both candidates support off-shore oil drilling. As Americans, we're addicted to a lot of things: fast food, coffee, cigarettes, meth... and oil. When are we going to collectively realize that using oil to fuel vehicles is just about the dumbest thing possible and not in our interest?
QUESTION 2:
Which candidate actually has a plan to stop the genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan?
a) Barack Obama
This is one of the most important topics in the world. Ask Bill Clinton what he regrets from his eight years in office. The first thing he'll tell you is that he didn't step in early enough in Rwanda. Eventually, the international community helped stop the genocide there, and look at Rwanda today - it's thriving. Rwanda should be used as the model for African nations in civil war and unrest. Sudan needs international help, and Barack's got an answer.
QUESTION 3:
Match the candidate and running mate with their religion:
Barack Obama - b) United Church Of Christ
Joe Biden - d) Roman Catholic
John McCain - a) Episcopal
Sarah Palin - c) Non-denominational Christian
Interesting...
QUESTION 4:
Which presidential candidate vows to stay in Iraq another "100 years" if necessary?
b) John McCain
Why not make it 100,000 years? Doesn't he know that we can't keep paying them to not attack us? Oops... I mean... the Surge won't work forever.
QUESTION 5:
Who's the crazier Vice Presidential candidate?
b) Sarah Palin
Not only is she crazier, she's dumber. She believes she has foreign policy experience because she can see Russia from her front porch. That's crazy, stupid, and down right scary.
QUESTION 6:
Which candidate "supports tough, direct presidential diplomacy with Iran without preconditions?"
a) Barack Obama
His idea, I think, is to find a common ground, and try and make peace in the Middle East in one of the most important and powerful countries there. Pretty smart.
QUESTION 7:
Which candidate is FOR war with smaller countries that no one's really heard of just to exercise our power and push around the little guy a bit?
d) None of the above
This one was sort of a trick question. Obviously, neither candidate is for war with smaller countries just to exercise our power and push around the little guy... that would be bullying. These two men are a lot of things, but bullies they are not. They are both decent men. One is more decent than the other, but...
QUESTION 8:
Which Vice Presidential candidate used Heart's song "Barracuda" as his/her speech introduction music? Note: Although all rights to use the song were paid for and properly commissioned, the band did NOT want the music used.
b) Sarah Palin
Sarah Barracuda. Yeah, that's right. That's one of her nicknames. I prefer PALIN COMPARISON.
QUESTION 9:
Which candidate has better hair?
a) Barack Obama
It's thick and seemingly healthy. And, he's handsome, too. It's not that important for the presidency, but it's nice to look at a face that doesn't remind you off a baboon's ass.
QUESTION 10:
Who will you vote for in the upcoming United States Presidential Election?
That's the question of the year. Who will you vote for? Hopefully, you'll vote for the ticket whose policies you agree with and who you think will be better for you, your family and the country. If you are voting for a candidate because you'd rather have a beer with them, or because they are the same gender as you, or the same race as you, then you're missing the whole point of this election. But, I'll remind you...
You and yo' mama
Better vote for Obama
'Cause you'd be insane
To vote for McCain
...or something like that. :)
Friday, September 12, 2008
Politics Trivia - Who's Who In The Race To The White House (Layman's Edition)
I love trivia. Sometimes I'll just grab a stack of Trivial Pursuit cards and quiz myself. And, since it's heavy into politics season, I figured I'd try to stump some of you about the two candidates and their running mates. Please send your answers via email. Remember - There's only one answer per question. I'll post the correct answers before next week's column. As the brilliant Heath Ledger as The Joker said, "Here... we... go!"
QUESTION 1:
Which candidate is FOR off-shore oil drilling?
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Who gives a shit? Off-shore drilling for oil is like a drug addict saying "I'm quitting drugs... after I finish the drugs I've got."
d) All of the above
QUESTION 2:
Which candidate actually has a plan to stop the genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan?
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Most well-to-do Americans don't really care about poor people, especially if they're of a different skin tone.
d) None of the above
QUESTION 3:
Match the candidate and running mate with their religion:
Barack Obama
Joe Biden
John McCain
Sarah Palin
a) Episcopal
b) United Church Of Christ
c) Non-denominational Christian
d) Roman Catholic
QUESTION 4:
Which presidential candidate vows to stay in Iraq another "100 years" if necessary?
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) It doesn't matter. Everyone knows that we'll have to live on Mars or Moon colonies in 50 years because we've made it almost impossible to live on earth because of pollution, declining resources and general stupidity.
d) None of the above
QUESTION 5:
Who's the crazier Vice Presidential candidate?
a) Joe Biden
b) Sarah Palin
c) Neither is crazy
d) They're equally crazy
QUESTION 6:
Which candidate "supports tough, direct presidential diplomacy with Iran without preconditions?"
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Direct diplomacy without precondition? You mean talking to people instead of shoving a bomb up their arse? No way! We can't have that! That's insane!
d) None of the above
QUESTION 7:
Which candidate is FOR war with smaller countries that no one's really heard of just to exercise our power and push around the little guy a bit?
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) All of the above
d) None of the above
QUESTION 8:
Which Vice Presidential candidate used Heart's song "Barracuda" as his/her speech introduction music? Note: Although all rights to use the song were paid for and properly commissioned, the band did NOT want the music used.
a) Joe Biden
b) Sarah Palin
c) Both
c) None of the above
QUESTION 9:
Which candidate has better hair?
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Who cares? Great hair isn't a mark of a great president nor does it offer any indication as to who will be elected... or does it? W, Clinton, Bush1, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, Johnson, Kennedy, Eisen... DOH!
d) None of the above
QUESTION 10:
Who will you vote for in the upcoming United States Presidential Election?
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Ralph Nader
d) Bob Barr
e) Write-In vote
f) Why vote? The corporations own this country which makes my vote not count.
g) None of the above
Please send in your answers as soon as possible so I can tally them and send CNN the results. Thank you. And, I'll leave you with a final thought. I showed the following to a friend of mine already, but I thought it would fit this column.
If the great Muhammad Ali was a young man during this election, and if he was asked who he was going to vote for, he'd say something like this:
You and yo' mama
Better vote for Obama
'Cause you'd be insane
To vote for McCain!
QUESTION 1:
Which candidate is FOR off-shore oil drilling?
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Who gives a shit? Off-shore drilling for oil is like a drug addict saying "I'm quitting drugs... after I finish the drugs I've got."
d) All of the above
QUESTION 2:
Which candidate actually has a plan to stop the genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan?
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Most well-to-do Americans don't really care about poor people, especially if they're of a different skin tone.
d) None of the above
QUESTION 3:
Match the candidate and running mate with their religion:
Barack Obama
Joe Biden
John McCain
Sarah Palin
a) Episcopal
b) United Church Of Christ
c) Non-denominational Christian
d) Roman Catholic
QUESTION 4:
Which presidential candidate vows to stay in Iraq another "100 years" if necessary?
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) It doesn't matter. Everyone knows that we'll have to live on Mars or Moon colonies in 50 years because we've made it almost impossible to live on earth because of pollution, declining resources and general stupidity.
d) None of the above
QUESTION 5:
Who's the crazier Vice Presidential candidate?
a) Joe Biden
b) Sarah Palin
c) Neither is crazy
d) They're equally crazy
QUESTION 6:
Which candidate "supports tough, direct presidential diplomacy with Iran without preconditions?"
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Direct diplomacy without precondition? You mean talking to people instead of shoving a bomb up their arse? No way! We can't have that! That's insane!
d) None of the above
QUESTION 7:
Which candidate is FOR war with smaller countries that no one's really heard of just to exercise our power and push around the little guy a bit?
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) All of the above
d) None of the above
QUESTION 8:
Which Vice Presidential candidate used Heart's song "Barracuda" as his/her speech introduction music? Note: Although all rights to use the song were paid for and properly commissioned, the band did NOT want the music used.
a) Joe Biden
b) Sarah Palin
c) Both
c) None of the above
QUESTION 9:
Which candidate has better hair?
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Who cares? Great hair isn't a mark of a great president nor does it offer any indication as to who will be elected... or does it? W, Clinton, Bush1, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, Johnson, Kennedy, Eisen... DOH!
d) None of the above
QUESTION 10:
Who will you vote for in the upcoming United States Presidential Election?
a) Barack Obama
b) John McCain
c) Ralph Nader
d) Bob Barr
e) Write-In vote
f) Why vote? The corporations own this country which makes my vote not count.
g) None of the above
Please send in your answers as soon as possible so I can tally them and send CNN the results. Thank you. And, I'll leave you with a final thought. I showed the following to a friend of mine already, but I thought it would fit this column.
If the great Muhammad Ali was a young man during this election, and if he was asked who he was going to vote for, he'd say something like this:
You and yo' mama
Better vote for Obama
'Cause you'd be insane
To vote for McCain!
Friday, September 5, 2008
The Jacket, The Kit and The Golden Ticket
I'm convinced (along with a friend of mine) that there's a conspiracy-like system in Hollywood. I'll be honest. It's because I'm on the outside looking in. Yes, yes. I know. I could even be on some sort of black list. And, not the hip HBO documentary. No. What I'm on is the 1950s Joe McCarthy/Communist type of black list. But, why? Why do I actually have some great material and it's not being made, sold or looked at? I dunno. I'm so confused. I'm walking into walls. I'm looking under my bed. I'm scratching my head. Sam I am.
Some of my material is horrid. The first few scripts are really bad. Lots of "he walks over to the..." and "he approaches..." and boring stuff going on. The stories were about people not doing much of anything. Just men and women kinda walking around and then dying. But, I wrote those in like 1998. I was 18. I didn't even have hair on my arms yet. I was behind the curve, okay? I knew it then. I had to learn. So, I did. I spent the last ten years writing and revising, working on the craft, really studying all the parts that go into writing a screenplay. I went to seminars, read books, read scripts... I even participated in what I call method writing - I'd live the life of my characters, even going so far as to grow a mustache like Tom Selleck, only my mustache was thin, creepy and uneven, not thick, manly and perfect.
In 2004, I got an internship reading scripts. Coverage. Here's what I learned from reading scripts and writing coverage: Really bad screenplays get produced. And, I mean really bad. And, there's not really a method to the madness. Sometimes well known actors will be a part of scripts that are just plain awful, but they wrote them or know the guy who wrote them so they want to produce them. Sometimes a writer that already has an agent turns out a piece of junk, but he's in. And, once you're in, you're golden. Which brings me to my big theory...
There's a system in Hollywood that allows you to work. The system consists of The Jacket, The Kit and The Golden Ticket. First, The Jacket. Much like the Masters tournament in professional golf, when you win you receive a green jacket. Of course, I don't know if it's green or not. I've never been to the ceremony. But, I'm convinced that the select few receive a jacket of some brilliant color and that jacket means they're in. They're in the club. They win. They can make movies for a living now. Yippee! But, how do you get this elusive jacket? Huh? Well, one of the ways to get The Jacket is to get The Kit.
The Kit is a small wooden box that looks like it's relic from BC. And, in this little box is a few things. First, a vial of special potion. This potion is like a steroid. You must take a drop of the potion everyday before your workout. In less than two weeks, you end up looking like Brad Pitt in FIGHT CLUB or Matthew McConaughey every day of his life. Or, you look like pretty much every celebrity actor and actress. The point is that you look like an underwear ad - skinny with muscles. One of the other things in The Kit is a thick head of hair. I don't know quite how this works, but it's true. "Before" pictures show you as a normal, balding man. "After" pictures show you as Brad Pitt in FIGHT CLUB. These are two of the things you get in The Kit. I don't know what the others are because, again, I don't have The Kit. I just know of its existence. But, the problem is for silly pions like me is that you need The Jacket before you get The Kit. But, you can't get The Jacket unless you have The Kit. Yeah. You figure it out. The Catch 22. But, there's a way around both. And, that's if you have The Golden Ticket.
Yes. It's a reference to Willy Wonka. Every year, someone receives a Golden Ticket, but in Hollywood, you don't buy a candy bar and get a ticket. It's a mystery as to how to obtain one. It's more powerful than The Jacket and The Kit combined. In fact, you don't need either The Jacket or The Kit if you have The Golden Ticket. You can be fat, bald, talentless, all-around useless and still gain entry into working Hollywood. This is the route a lot of people are hoping for. A lot of out-of-work actors, writers and directors think that they're owed something, that they're so good that someone will come up to them off the street and hand them a six picture contract and a suitcase filled with a million dollars (and The Jacket and The Kit, of course) and their lives will be changed. I am not one of those people. I work hard. I write everyday. Even if that means writing a crappy blog. Hey!
I write more than any amateur or professional that I've ever known or heard of. In the past four years, I've written or co-written eleven feature length screenplays, all of which but one have not been produced, sold, read or looked at. These are some of the best: BUCCANEER. It's a love story about a modern day pirate in Hawaii. RIVER ROSE AND THE HORN OF AFRICA. This is an Indiana Jones-like adventure about a globetrotting activist thrust into a civil war in Africa. SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW. It's the story of Hawaiian singing legend Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole. THE GREAT EXCHANGE. It's about a selfish corporate CEO who sees a mystic vision that convinces him to give up all of his material possessions. KING OF DETROIT. It's a mixed martial arts ROCKY. CUBA ROAD. A fact based horror story. MAGIC MAN. A slapstick comedy set in and around the world of Las Vegas magicians. BIRTH OF A GUNSLINGER. An epic western. PADDY MATTHEWS. A romantic comedy much like MRS. DOUBTFIRE. And, there are a few more sprinkled in.
Now, I'm not one to complain... Actually, I am one to complain. But, I try not to that much. I try to work hard and stay focused. I try to get better with every script. I try to think of great stories that can be familiar yet fresh and exciting. And, I... Boo, hoo. Blah, blah, blah. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Grrr... Come on! Does anyone have The Golden Ticket that they want to give to me? Or, do you want to invite me to a special location and fit me for that Jacket? Or, can you just send over The Kit? Hell... I don't even want the whole kit. I'll settle for the thick head of hair.
Some of my material is horrid. The first few scripts are really bad. Lots of "he walks over to the..." and "he approaches..." and boring stuff going on. The stories were about people not doing much of anything. Just men and women kinda walking around and then dying. But, I wrote those in like 1998. I was 18. I didn't even have hair on my arms yet. I was behind the curve, okay? I knew it then. I had to learn. So, I did. I spent the last ten years writing and revising, working on the craft, really studying all the parts that go into writing a screenplay. I went to seminars, read books, read scripts... I even participated in what I call method writing - I'd live the life of my characters, even going so far as to grow a mustache like Tom Selleck, only my mustache was thin, creepy and uneven, not thick, manly and perfect.
In 2004, I got an internship reading scripts. Coverage. Here's what I learned from reading scripts and writing coverage: Really bad screenplays get produced. And, I mean really bad. And, there's not really a method to the madness. Sometimes well known actors will be a part of scripts that are just plain awful, but they wrote them or know the guy who wrote them so they want to produce them. Sometimes a writer that already has an agent turns out a piece of junk, but he's in. And, once you're in, you're golden. Which brings me to my big theory...
There's a system in Hollywood that allows you to work. The system consists of The Jacket, The Kit and The Golden Ticket. First, The Jacket. Much like the Masters tournament in professional golf, when you win you receive a green jacket. Of course, I don't know if it's green or not. I've never been to the ceremony. But, I'm convinced that the select few receive a jacket of some brilliant color and that jacket means they're in. They're in the club. They win. They can make movies for a living now. Yippee! But, how do you get this elusive jacket? Huh? Well, one of the ways to get The Jacket is to get The Kit.
The Kit is a small wooden box that looks like it's relic from BC. And, in this little box is a few things. First, a vial of special potion. This potion is like a steroid. You must take a drop of the potion everyday before your workout. In less than two weeks, you end up looking like Brad Pitt in FIGHT CLUB or Matthew McConaughey every day of his life. Or, you look like pretty much every celebrity actor and actress. The point is that you look like an underwear ad - skinny with muscles. One of the other things in The Kit is a thick head of hair. I don't know quite how this works, but it's true. "Before" pictures show you as a normal, balding man. "After" pictures show you as Brad Pitt in FIGHT CLUB. These are two of the things you get in The Kit. I don't know what the others are because, again, I don't have The Kit. I just know of its existence. But, the problem is for silly pions like me is that you need The Jacket before you get The Kit. But, you can't get The Jacket unless you have The Kit. Yeah. You figure it out. The Catch 22. But, there's a way around both. And, that's if you have The Golden Ticket.
Yes. It's a reference to Willy Wonka. Every year, someone receives a Golden Ticket, but in Hollywood, you don't buy a candy bar and get a ticket. It's a mystery as to how to obtain one. It's more powerful than The Jacket and The Kit combined. In fact, you don't need either The Jacket or The Kit if you have The Golden Ticket. You can be fat, bald, talentless, all-around useless and still gain entry into working Hollywood. This is the route a lot of people are hoping for. A lot of out-of-work actors, writers and directors think that they're owed something, that they're so good that someone will come up to them off the street and hand them a six picture contract and a suitcase filled with a million dollars (and The Jacket and The Kit, of course) and their lives will be changed. I am not one of those people. I work hard. I write everyday. Even if that means writing a crappy blog. Hey!
I write more than any amateur or professional that I've ever known or heard of. In the past four years, I've written or co-written eleven feature length screenplays, all of which but one have not been produced, sold, read or looked at. These are some of the best: BUCCANEER. It's a love story about a modern day pirate in Hawaii. RIVER ROSE AND THE HORN OF AFRICA. This is an Indiana Jones-like adventure about a globetrotting activist thrust into a civil war in Africa. SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW. It's the story of Hawaiian singing legend Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole. THE GREAT EXCHANGE. It's about a selfish corporate CEO who sees a mystic vision that convinces him to give up all of his material possessions. KING OF DETROIT. It's a mixed martial arts ROCKY. CUBA ROAD. A fact based horror story. MAGIC MAN. A slapstick comedy set in and around the world of Las Vegas magicians. BIRTH OF A GUNSLINGER. An epic western. PADDY MATTHEWS. A romantic comedy much like MRS. DOUBTFIRE. And, there are a few more sprinkled in.
Now, I'm not one to complain... Actually, I am one to complain. But, I try not to that much. I try to work hard and stay focused. I try to get better with every script. I try to think of great stories that can be familiar yet fresh and exciting. And, I... Boo, hoo. Blah, blah, blah. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Grrr... Come on! Does anyone have The Golden Ticket that they want to give to me? Or, do you want to invite me to a special location and fit me for that Jacket? Or, can you just send over The Kit? Hell... I don't even want the whole kit. I'll settle for the thick head of hair.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
