Holiday Greetings From Clark W. Griswold

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."

or

"Hey... If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?"

Take your pick.

Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanza.

2009 Brian Wright Fantasy Camp

We're now accepting applications and payment to the Brian Wright 3-Day Weekend Fantasy Camp being held in Honolulu and Las Vegas on October 23-25 (that's a Friday through Sunday). Attendance only costs $100,000 for the greatest weekend of your life. It should be a great year this year, with a lot of movies and music celebrities and sports figures contracted and excited to be a part of this wonderful event. The schedule just came in, so let's take a look:

FRIDAY

7am - 8am: Arrivals at the Kahala Hotel & Resort in Honolulu, Hawaii. Guests will meet in Board Room A.

8am - 9am: Breakfast with Michael Jordan, Emmitt Smith and Hank Aaron. Mimosas optional.

9am - Noon: 3 on 3 Basketball Tournament with your teammates LeBron James and Dwyane Wade. Coaches include Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Bill Russell and Larry Bird. You'll be playing against teams with NBA stars Dwight Howard, Amare Stoudemire, Kobe Bryant and many, many more.

Noon - 1pm: Fresh Catch lunch. The freshest sushi and seafood cooked and served by celebrity chef Bobby Flay.

1pm - 2pm: Weight training with trainer and fitness king Arnold Schwarzenegger.

2pm - 3pm: Running and bicycling with trainer Lance Armstrong.

3pm - 5pm: Massage and facial.

5pm - 6pm: Jim Rome Interview. Jim asks you all about your day so far, what part of your game needs improving, etc.

6pm - 8pm: Steak dinner with Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson (I know - We managed to get 'em both at the same table for Friday only). Review tape of the 3 on 3 Tournament.

8pm - 9pm: Fight talk with Manny Pacquiao, Floyd Mayweather and Lennox Lewis.

9pm - 11pm: Jack Johnson two-hour show.

Lights out at Midnight.

SATURDAY

8am: Wake-up

8am - 9pm: Breakfast with Daniel Day-Lewis, Tom Hanks, Sean Penn and Jack Nicholson. Mimosas optional.

9am - 2pm: Private Jet flight with John Prendergast, Nick Kristof and Samantha Power. On board you'll have a live satellite feed from a village that was saved by part of your payment to the Brian Wright Fantasy Camp. On board discussions will include an in-depth look at solutions to modern global problems. Lunch will be served.

2pm - 3pm: Arrivals at the Venetian Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. Check in and short nap.

3pm - 4pm: Acting scene. In this one hour slot, you'll be directed by Martin Scorsese in a short scene to be added on the bonus features of his next DVD release.

4pm - 5pm: Directing scene. In this one hour slot, you'll direct Leonardo DiCaprio and Angelina Jolie in a short scene to be added on the bonus features of his next DVD release.

5pm - 6pm: Larry King interview. Larry will asks you about your day so far, and quiz you about life, love and happiness.

6pm - 7pm: Andrew Zimmern cooked dinner with Brad Pitt, Nicolas Cage, Steven Spielberg, Robert Zemeckis and Robert Redford.

7pm - 8pm: Stand-Up comedy lessons from Chris Rock and Jerry Seinfeld. At the end of this time slot, you'll perform a two minute set.

8pm - 9pm: Photo shoot. But, this isn't your ordinary photo shoot. The first part you'll dress up in the Bat Suit and choreograph a short fight sequence. The second part of the shoot, you will dress as Indiana Jones and shoot another short fight sequence.

9pm - 11pm: Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals two-hour show.

Lights out at Midnight.

SUNDAY

8am: Wake-up.

8am - 9am: Breakfast with Barack Obama.

9am - 11am: Hot Stone Massage and mud body treatment.

11am - Noon: Harley riding at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway.

Noon - 1pm: Lunch with... SURPRISE GUEST. Maybe a family member drops in for your final day. Maybe it's an Academy Award winning actor or actress? Legendary sports star? Bob Dylan? It's a SURPRISE!!??!!!???!!

1pm - 6pm: $1 million gambling. You are fronted $1 million to gamble on slots, poker, roulette, black jack or the game of your choice. You keep all earnings over $1 million.

6pm - 7pm: Wolfgang Puck cooked dinner inspired by the world's best cuisine.

7pm - 9pm: Beer and tequila tasting event. The finest beer and tequila served in just the right quantity and temperature.

9pm - 11pm: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers two-hour show.

End of the Fantasy Camp.

See you all in 2010!!!

Talk About Cat-Like Reflexes

I've officially done a 180 on my thoughts about George W. Bush. He's now my favorite person ever. After viewing the shoe throwing incident, I think he's not only the coolest president since Theodore Roosevelt, but he's also the quickest. And, I would take him in a fight over anyone who ever held office.

Obviously, these aren't traits indicative of a good president. But, I don't care. We all know he was a lousy president. But, he was so lightening fast to duck away from that first shoe, and then he laughed at the guy. He thought it was hilarious. I think Oliver Stone should re-edit his W movie with this as the ending. His reaction to the shoes flying through the air is the truest personification of him as a person.

It should be the new US slogan - "You can throw a shoe at us, and we'll just duck and laugh." It gives whole new meaning to the "fool me once, shame on me..." quote from him. NOW we get it. He was foreshadowing the shoe throwing incident. He's actually a genius with fortune telling ability.

Sigh... I just really got a kick out of that. Funny, funny stuff. If you don't know what I'm talking about, YouTube it. It's the greatest thing ever.

MOVIE TRIVIA

...it's perfect for a Friday morning to warm up your brrrrrrrain. Five Fun Trivia Questions. Good luck to all. Please send your answers via email. Or, if you're sending via messenger service, please send to:

Brian Wright
682 Dingo Lane
Walkabout Creek, Australia 9HY 6I
(I live right next to Crocodile Dundee)

And... we're off.

1) Ellen had an affectionate nickname for her husband Clark W. Griswold in the wonderful comedies VACATION, EUROPEAN VACATION, CHRISTMAS VACATION and VEGAS VACATION (and, if they're lucky, I'll write CARIBBEAN VACATION which takes place on a cruise ship. Call me, Chevy.) What is the nickname?

a) Clarky
b) Sparky
c) Jaworsky
d) Corky
e) Mork from Ork

2) In 1999's AMERICAN BEAUTY, Kevin Spacey's character Lester Burnham provides the film's voice-over. !Spoiler Alert! We find out at the end of the film that his character dies/is murdered - Lester is telling this story to us from the grave. What early 1990s Hughes Brothers film used similar voice-over narration from the film's main character who tragically dies/is murdered at the end of the movie, therefore telling us his story from the grave?

a) THE BOOK OF ELI
b) AMERICAN PIMP
c) DEAD PRESIDENTS
d) MENACE II SOCIETY
e) none of the above

3) Marlon Brando's last feature film was the 2001 picture THE SCORE co-starring Bobby DeNiro (I'm his friend - he told me to call him 'Bobby') and Edward Norton. The film's director, Frank Oz, has provided the voice of many famous characters in film history. What unforgettable film character did he provide the voice for?

a) Miss Piggy
b) Yoda
c) Cookie Monster
d) all of the above
e) none of the above

4) Arnold Schwarzenegger acted in 2004's AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS, playing Prince Hapi in an amusing on-screen turn before shipping off to Sacramento as the governor of the great state of California. What was the first film he was in?

a) PUMPING IRON
b) THE LONG GOODBYE
c) HERCULES IN NEW YORK
d) STAY HUNGRY
e) CONAN THE BARBARIAN

5) 1998 brought us the unforgettable picture RAIN MAN starring Tom Cruise as Charlie Babbitt and Dustin Hoffman as his autistic older brother, Raymond Babbitt. There are many memorable quotes from the film. Which of these quotes is an actual quote from the film?

a) "I'm a great driver."
b) "'Course, three minutes to Judge Judy."
c) "Walmart sucks."
d) "'Bout a million dollars."
e) "Are you taking any prescription medication?"

All right. Have fun. And, remember, before kissing your spouse, brush your teeth.

The Benefits Of Ignorance

I want to take some time this week and congratulate a friend of mine, Richard Long, that's been looking for a job for about six months. Dick's been really grinding it out and sending out resumes and filling out applications, and finally, he got an interview and was subsequently hired. In these rough times, it's a blessing that he got the job. He was on the verge of home foreclosure, his car was about to be repossessed, and his wife was going to divorce his sorry ass. But, because he found work, he has an income to pay for all of the above. And, the reason I'm writing this post at this time is because I'm jealous. I now envy his life that I once shamed. I wish I was Dick.

Dick was hired by the Elk Grove Village based company Ignorance, Inc. It's a shipping and receiving company that does a lot of processing of items that are bought and sold. It's the ideal company to work for not only because the owner and CEO is an affable, down-to-earth guy that greets all the employees at the door with a warm smile and an even warmer cup of coffee, but Ignorance offers the best benefits package possible, with full dental, medical, and the world's greatest 401K. And, I yearn for the day I can finally be at par with Dick, in this regard. But, the thing is this: Dick said the benefits weren't just the great insurance coverage. There's something more. Benefits meant something different. But, what?

After hours and hours of incessant inquest, Dick wouldn't tell me what exactly the benefits package consisted of. Sure, he told me about the medical, dental and 401K, but when he said 'benefits', he wasn't talking about that. He was talking about some secretive, fraternity-like, for-their-eyes-only type deal. "What the fuck, Dick!? Just tell me!" I said to him. I constantly badgered him. But, to no avail. He was holding out big time. I couldn't break him, even when I threatened to break him by saying "I must break you." Nothing. Ah! Tell me!

I thought about hacking into Ignorance's computer files like you see in the movies. But, I quickly remembered that I don't know how to hack into anything. I don't even really know what hacking into something means. So, that plan was out. But, I had to know. It was killing me. I thought of performing a B & E at the Elk Grove offices, you know, to search the Human Resource office for some new-hire paperwork that would possibly lead me to some answers. But, I figured if I get caught, I'd go to Cook County jail where I heard the other inmates anally rape you, and that's no fun. So...

I invited myself, my wife and my young son over to Dick's for dinner one night. And, because Dick's an avid reader of this blog, this is somewhat of a confession. Hi, Dick. We went over to his/your place in Waukegan, a real nice three story town-home with all the fixings. We had a very pleasant steak and potato dinner with orange Fanta to drink. Very nice. And, after dinner, I excused myself to the upstairs bathroom, which was the perfect plan because anyone that knows me knows that I have a very soft stomach. It's more than soft. I had Salmonella in the summer of 2007 from shitty hummus at the Taste of Chicago. There was literally human shit in the hummus that I gobbled down and, in turn, got deathly ill from. And, to this day, there are still traces of something in the old digestive system that makes complex meals difficult to digest. Food flies through me. Anyways, I headed for the upstairs bathroom. And, working out perfectly, Dick's office is on the same floor, far away from the prying owner's eyes. I thought he could have the documents in his office - why not? I would.

Really having to relieve myself, I went lightening quick. Push, push, wipe, wipe. Done. I figured I had five or so minutes to shuffle through his big oak desk and cabinets. So, I'm flipping through papers. Dick's wife's brief stint in a mental institution. The proof in writing. No big deal. We've all been there. Receipts for gallons upon gallons of WD40 oil lubricant. Creaking doors, I thought. Whatever. Then, JACKPOT. An Ignorance laminated folder. Here it was, staring me in the face. I had the answers to all life's important questions in my hand. So, I stuffed it into my V-neck sweater and made for the kitchen. "I'm not feeling too good. Honey, we better take off. Plus, Jackie Boy's getting tired." When in doubt, blame it on the baby.

I didn't want to tell my wife about my third floor mischief, so I waited until I got home to open the folder and view the contents. After putting the boy down for the night, I snuck into the bathroom with the folder still hidden from plain sight. "It's bubbling up again. I think that Stacy (Dick's wife) used some crazy next world spices for the steak. Ugh..." No explanation necessary. So, finally, I sat down on the toilet, unwrap the sweater that covers the folder. And, it's right there. I took a brief moment to marvel at the graphics on the front of the folder - Ignorance really does take that extra step. Then, I opened it.

But, before I can get the folder all the way open, I tiny sheet of scratch paper fell to the ground. It was folded in half, so I picked it up off the ground and unfolded. And, it read: "Mind your own business you nosey prick. - Dick" How did he know? I tore open the folder, and there wasn't a single sheet of paper. Not even a brochure or blank application. Dick beat me at my own game. That son of a bitch! I sat there on the toilet bowl, defeated, back where I started. I would never know what the real benefits of Ignorance were. Never. Dick's now living happy. Everyday he calls me and rubs it in my face. Ha, ha, ha. Joke's on me.

Oh, well. Good for Dick. At least he's working. He gets to keep his house and car. He's now happily married with twins on the way. He's got a great job with the best benefits you can find anywhere. He's content. And, damn it, I wish I had that fixed smirking expression on my face like he does. I wish I woke up everyday of the week and looked forward to the next eight hours of work. So, I applied. Now, I'm just waiting for a phone call. That phone call. Wish me the type of luck that Dick has. I'm going to need it.