Space Capsule

In honor of Thanksgiving...

Space scientists will, every once in a while, send a radio signal out into the vastness of space, hoping that an alien life form will pick up the transmission, travel millions of light years to come visit us, and we can then shove tubes down his throat and up his ass and take skin samples like they do to us when we're abducted. Sometimes they'll choose a Beatles song - something that's totally recognizable. Because, let's face it, EVERYONE knows the Beatles. I wonder if E.T. ever receives this song and is singing along to "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and then actually walks over to his/her alien love interest and actually holds his/her alien hand, or paw or whatever aliens have...

Well, in researching this NASA experiment, I starting wondering about what movies we'd send out to far, far away. So, I came up with a list. What American movies would we send in a space capsule from each decade starting with the 1970s? These movies would have to define us, our most important movies, but, we could only choose two per decade. Two! I know some of you think that's insane, that I'm out of my mind (you might've thought that before, too, but...), that there's no way to just pick two. But, that's the rules. Sorry. Two.

More ground rules. These aren't necessarily the most Oscar winners, or the biggest box office smashes, although artistic integrity and commercial success does, naturally, weigh into the decision. These films were chosen because they not only represent us as Americans, but they're movies that inspire, that were a phenomenon like no other, that resonated for years and years, that taught us, that changed the game/changed movie making, that were the most important in their genre, that bended genres, that combined many genres. These movies rise to the top. They are, in my opinion, THE best representations of American films of their respective decade. And, we're going to start with the...

1970s. Some of my personal favorite from this decade are TAXI DRIVER, CHINATOWN, THE FRENCH CONNECTION, APOCALYPSE NOW, FIVE EASY PIECES, JAWS, THE JERK, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, ROCKY and NETWORK. But, to me, this decade was the easiest decision of all. The winners go to:

THE GODFATHER. Family, crime, power and ethics. This is considered one of the greatest films of all time. It clocks in at around three hours, but you just don't feel it when watching. It's a blink of an eye because it's so good. Not only does it have some of cinemas greatest moments - Brando's voice and cheeks, "Leave the gun, take the cannoli", Luca Brasi's rehearsal, some of the greatest actors ever and the biggest cast - it's a film that gets better as the years pass. But, if you think this is an easy decision, this next one is the easiest for the whole list.

STAR WARS: EPISODE IV - A NEW HOPE. Every man, woman and child on this planet knows about this movie. And, every alien on every other planet should know about this movie. There are Star Wars nerds that go a little too far wit this movie, but I'm one of them. If you disagree with this pick, you're crazy... and, I'll take my lightsaber and cut off your hand a la Darth Vader and Luke. Yes. I really have a lightsaber. I love my lightsaber. Am I allowed to write 'lightsaber'?

1980s. Except for the greed, the 1980s ruled! And, this might have been the toughest decade from which to choose just two movies. There are so many greats like VACATION, CHRISTMAS VACATION, THE BREAKFAST CLUB, CONAN THE BARBARIAN, RAGING BULL, E.T., FIELD OF DREAMS, BATMAN, TERMINATOR, GHOSTBUSTERS, BEVERLY HILLS COP, TOP GUN and TOOTSIE. But, again, these two movies rose to the top, starting with...

BACK TO THE FUTURE. This movie combines the best elements of comedy, science fiction, action and adventure. And, it brought us some of cinema's best characters: Biff Tannen, Dr. Emmett "Doc" Brown, and the McFly family - Lorraine, George and of course, "Marty!" You're supposed to say "Marty!" like Doc does. I don't think I've ever not said "Marty!" the way Doc does. If I see a person named "Marty!" in real life I'll say "Marty!" in my head or I'll actually say "Marty!" directly to him. Then, I'll recoil in embarrassing shame because I'll remember that BACK TO THE FUTURE was so huge that everyone calls "Marty!" "Marty!" to his face. Oh, well. All in good fun.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Is there another cinema character that you'd rather BE? Indiana Jones is, I think, the greatest character in the history of film. The coolest. The best. I want to be him. I really don't understand those of you who didn't enjoy INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL. It was Indiana Jones doing things. Who cares what he's doing? I always say this, but Indiana Jones could walk down the street for two hours in the next film - we'll call it INDIANA JONES AND THE LONGEST STREET EVER - and I'll be first in line and it'll probably be one of the year's best.

1990s. The most difficult of all the decades to choose two. There are really some great films from the 90s. Truly great ones like GOODFELLAS, MISERY, PRETTY WOMAN, SCHINDLER'S LIST, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, PHILADELPHIA, THELMA & LOUISE, UNFORGIVEN, THE FUGITIVE, THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, THE MATRIX, PULP FICTION (which was #3, just barely missing out), LEAVING LAS VEGAS, THE USUAL SUSPECTS, BRAVEHEART, JERRY MAGUIRE (my favorite movie ever), FARGO, THE BIG LEBOWSKI, AMERICAN BEAUTY, THE SIXTH SENSE, and 1997's joke of a year that included TITANIC, AS GOOD AS IT GETS, L.A. CONFIDENTIAL and GOOD WILL HUNTING all up for Best Picture. But, these two make the space capsule. You'll see...

JURASSIC PARK. Does anyone remember being in the theater when the T-Rex screams for the first time? Or, did you lose partial hearing and become somewhat numb to your surroundings, only able to watch the rest of JURASSIC PARK in awe (and fear) like the rest of the moviegoers? A lot of people forget this film. But, I'll guarantee a lot of kids didn't forget this film. It was a global sensation when it came out, racing up the box office charts, but more importantly, it made science and dinosaurs cool and it went beyond the screen - it was a tool of teaching. SAVING PRIVATE RYAN taught us about World War II and SCHINDLER'S LIST felt horrifyingly real, but I want to send a message of hope and greatness to the aliens of this universe and beyond. I want to show the best of America and the world, not our mistakes. Plus, I want to scare the shit out of some aliens - they'll think that Velociraptors are running around town like normal.

FORREST GUMP. This picture combines all the elements of film better than any other film in history. It's too funny to be a drama. It's too sad to be a comedy. It's perfect. The story sends us through some of the most important decades in America's (and the world's) history. And, it does it along side of one of cinema's most interesting characters, Forrest. "Stupid is as stupid does." Forrest Gump is only stupid by modern, accepted, lazy standards. He's a great son, friend, husband and father. In that respect, he was brilliant.

2000s. Some might disagree, but I think the 00s haven't been all that great when it comes to excellent films... compared to the other decades. But, there have been some fantastic films. THE DEPARTED, GLADIATOR, THE DARK KNIGHT, PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, SPIDER-MAN, all the LORD OF THE RINGS movies, the HARRY POTTER movies, all the comic book movies, the BOURNE movies, all the CGI movies... a lot of big spectacle films, and tiny indies like SIDEWAYS, ADAPTATION, MONSTER, LOST IN TRANSLATION, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, THERE WILL BE BLOOD and THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND. But, let's take a look at the space capsule winners.

FINDING NEMO. The best of all the CGI movies, and Pixar's darling, this picture did what computer graphics wizards thought could never be done - the bulk of the movie takes place UNDER WATER. These Disney animations are at the pinnacle of filmmaking. They're comedies, dramas, adventures, action - they're stories about friendship and family, and all of them are classic. TOY STORY, MONSTERS INC., CARS, RATATOUILLE... they're masterwork. And, FINDING NEMO sits at the top of the list. The nice aliens will need to see America's big, generous heart. They need to see that we're good people, that we care for one another. And, this film will show them that.

FAHRENHEIT 9/11. "The temperature at which freedom burns." Politics aside, this film is the most important documentary ever made, and the most-seen, although some argue how much of a documentary it is. That's beside the point. This film is the ultimate epitome of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. There's nothing more uniquely American than the ability to not only question your government, but charge your government and it's powerful members, including the President. In some countries, if you challenged the government in film, they'd kill you. Just recently, comedian Zarganar was sent to prison for 45 years for criticizing Myanmar's government's slow relief response for the cyclone victims. 45 years! He didn't make a film that twenty million people saw (in the theater alone) and call the President a war criminal. That's scary. But, in America, we can freely express our feelings and thoughts about anything through art, and we're protected by the land's highest law. The aliens need to know this, see this, experience this. Then, and only then, will they know what American films are and can be.

So, in celebration of this list, please write to me and tell me how wrong I am. Tell me the films you choose for each decade. And, convince me I'm wrong... even though it's impossible. Remember, I'm Wright All The Time, even when I want to be Indiana Jones. Enjoy the list! Write to me! Happy Thanksgiving!

NBA News - Nov. 22

I wonder how much Kobe and the Lakers are loving the “LeBron to NY” and “2010 Free Agent” nonsense. It allows them to quietly have the league’s best record while demolishing teams and keeping the large target off their back.

This media hype over something that may or may not happen in 550 days is getting out of hand. It proves how much Americans, or specifically the media, has an attention span of a four year old. Come on! Talk about what’s going on NOW! Here are the amazing stories of the NBA this year:

- Lakers (10-1) and Celtics (12-2) are the League’s two best teams and are more than likely going to meet in the Finals, if they keep up this pace and if they stop LeBron. This will be a repeat Finals and a complete revival of one of sport’s greatest team rivalries. This makes Christmas even more special this year.

- Andris Biedrins is leading the league in rebounding with over 14 per game… 14!!! He’s turned into a legitimate Center who can score (over 16 ppg), rebound and play defense.

- Dwyane Wade is back and maybe better than ever. He’s having a stellar season - second in the league in scoring, fifth in assists, and, get this - he’s averaging 2.5 spg and 2 bpg!!! 2 bpg at 6′4″!!! He’s The Man down in My Hammy (better than Kobe).

- The reemergence of the East. All the people (which is almost EVERYONE on every NBA blog) who said the East sucks, now have to bow down and kiss my feet. The East is the better Conference. They’re winning the head-to-head W/L match-ups. They have better overall records. And, they have 5 of the top 6 teams in the league.

- Dwight Howard’s Orlando. 9-3. Looking like a solid contender. And, The Smile is the reason. He’s the league’s best Center, easily. Second in the League in rebounding, over 21 ppg. And, he leads the league in blocks with 4 per game. He’s a beast. He’s a monster. He’s The Smile.

- The All-Star Danny Granger??? At 24 ppg and the obvious leader in Indiana, Danny Granger is turning into a star. He’s a three point threat with strength and quickness, and he’s only getting better.

- Derrick Rose is the best PG in the East… and he’s a rookie. He’s the best player Chicago has had since Jordan (and Pippen). This guy is lights out amazing. One of the quickest players in the league. And, he’s got a extra step ladder when he elevates. Everyone questioned his shot before the season… his mid-range pull-up is one of his strengths. People said he couldn’t shoot threes… he’s at over .350 and hitting big 3s when it matters. This guy is the real deal. So far, he’s the best rookie, with this guy #2…

- OJ Mayo. Still rough and raw. But, he’s averaging 20 ppg while shooting over 40% from beyond the arc and almost 90% from the charity stripe. When this guy fixes the very few problems he has, he’ll be a top 10 player in the League.

So, you see how there’s plenty of great NBA news besides the LeBron 2010 Sweepstakes. Although that poses interesting scenarios, it’s a LOOOOONG time off and takes away from great stuff happening. PLEASE STOP WRITING ARTICLES ABOUT IT!!!

Thoughts and Musings

I don't really have any particular direction or important ideas in today's post. I just have random thoughts about life. Here we go...

What's the rule on wearing clothes in your own house? Do you really have to? I'm no exhibitionist, but I don't think clothes are required when you're in your own home. Now, I also don't think you should put your bare ass on your sofa. But, if you're out of the shower on a Saturday afternoon and you don't feel like wearing any pants, I'll back you on it.

For all those people who are anti-pornography... The people in porn belong in porn. Would you rather have these people in the classroom teaching our kids? Serving you food? Changing the oil on your car? Let them be. And, be glad those porno actors aren't doing the important jobs.

I've always wondered why people say "It's like pulling teeth..." when explaining something that's very difficult or takes a lot of effort. I can understand dentists saying it, but for the rest of us, pulling teeth is actually quite easy. You go into the dentist's office, they put you in that 1970s chair, lean you back, and in no time, you're high on laughing gas. Then, you wake up some time later, still drugged up, and they hand you a prescription for pain pills. And, I think we all know what pain pills feel like. So, instead of saying "I just can't get him on the phone! It's like pulling teeth!"... I think we should be saying "Drinking margaritas on the beach was so much fun. It was like pulling teeth."

And, I need some help with something...

I received a very important email a couple of weeks ago. It was from a doctor in Africa who said that he wanted to give me one millions dollars! Wow! I know. I couldn't believe it. He said all he needed was my bank account information, my social security number and a five hundred dollar check. So, as soon as I could, I sent him all that information. And, I not only wrote him a check and sent it to his home in Zimbabwe, I mailed another envelope with $500 cash to him... just for a back-up, to be sure. You can never be too careful, ya know? Plus, I'm getting a million dollars. Well, so I thought. It's been almost three weeks and he hasn't called me or emailed me back. So... what do you think I should do? Any advice? If your advice works, I'll share some of the million. But, gee, golly, do you think this doctor was fooling me? Do ya? Aho, ho...

Jamaica or Hawaii???

The most important topic in the world right now is not the economy. It's not terrorism. It's not the humanitarian crisis in Darfur. It's certainly not the problems in America's educational system. It's not crime in our major cities. It's not the environment, although we'll probably need to fix it one of these days. It's sure as hell not healthcare. It's not Iraq. It's not high taxes. It's not Brad and Angelina and Jennifer Aniston's bubbling war of words ... which is the most important to ME, but I don't always speak for the majority. No. It's not any of these. None of these issues should worry you or have you anxious or make you nervous. What you should be concerned with is this:

What's a better vacation spot - Jamaica or Hawaii?

That's all that really matters. Trust me. It's a serious issue. Very delicate. Needs proper handling. A magician's touch. Just the right amount of care and understanding. Oh, yeah. Nice and easy. Gentle. Or else we'll all rue the day.

So, let's explore the similarities and differences of these two exotic locales so that tomorrow, when we wake up, maybe we'll feel a little bit better, a little more confident, a little more like we 'get it.' Let's break it down into a couple different categories for comparison, starting with:

BEACHES - Both are islands or a chain of islands that have miles upon miles of vast beaches. White sand. Black sand. Mixed-grains of sand. Lots of palm trees on both. And, lots of clear blue warm water. The major difference is that in Hawaii, you'll look around and see a million tourists and in Jamaica, you'll look around and see a million minus one. Winner = JAMAICA.

LOCALS - This boils down to what you want to hear every two seconds on your seven day vacation - 'aiyree' or 'bra'. 'Aiyree' translates to 'all right', whereas 'bra' translates to bro. I'll use them both in a sentence. -I just lost all my luggage and my traveler's checks, and I think I have salmonella poisoning, but I'm in Jamaica, so every little thing is aiyree.- AND -Hey, bra. How's it going, bra? What are you doing, bra? Going surfing today, bra? No... bra. Bra? Bra.- Winner = TIE.

FOOD - Oh, boy. This is a tough one. In Jamaica, you'll be served fried plantains and jerk chicken. Oh... my mouth is watering already. But, in Hawaii, you can go to a luau and eat slow cooked pork, or you can find a dive and eat loco moco - white rice, two hamburger patties, two fried eggs and gravy. This is one of my favorite things. So... Winner = HAWAII.

So, the clear winner of this competition is...

MEXICO. Hundreds of miles of beaches, the locals are Mexican, and you cannot find better food than authentic tacos, burritos, tostadas, gorditas, tortas and sopes. I tricked you, didn't I? You thought I had to limit myself to the two choices that I first presented, but then I went with the one that wasn't on the list which was Mexico and your head starting spinning and then you...

After now knowing the correct answer, you all can go on living a wonderful life. Don't let the so-called problems of the world affect you and the way you do things. They aren't problems, anyway. They're made up by 'the man' so we will shut up and obey. Got that?!

The Huxtables

I just watched The Biography Channel show called "The Cosby Show: A Look Back," and it put so many things in my life into focus. And, if you would've seen it, I'm sure it would have done the same for you. Bill Cosby is/was a pure genius, looking at this world in such easy terms, and then translating those ideas seamlessly into episodic TV and situational comedy. Part of me wishes that I was raised by the Huxtables.

But, then again, part of me WAS raised by the Huxtables. Part of all of us was raised by Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable and his lovely wife, Clair. We had Theo as our loyal brother, always there for us (and Cockroach as our trusted friend). We had Sondra to really confide in when times got tough, and Elvin to empathize with our fears. If we wanted to shake things up, we could always see Denise, crazy in her ways. Later, she would even bring us adorable little Olivia to understand and remedy our problems in simple terms. Since Vanessa was turning teenager, we felt her struggles. And, rascally Rudy was our age.

This was our television family. A gang of doctors, lawyers and generally well-behaved kids that had a strong sense of love for one another, and always eventually made the right decision. Most of all, they made us laugh every week when we needed it most. And, I have to mention this next part because of the Obama win and the consensus hot topic in America. The Huxtables didn't just break the color barrier. They disintegrated it. They made it so that there was none. That there wasn't ever one... but still taught cultural history. That's the last I'll say of it. Like I said, MOST OF ALL, they made us laugh.

Comedy is more important than any of that. The ability to make another person laugh is extraordinary, and reserved for only a select few who can do it at the national level. Bill Cosby and his TV family gave us six packs laughing (I subsequently lost mine due to daily Taco Bell intake). The setups were pure brilliance, and still enter our daily repertoire of movie lines and quotes and pop culture references. Here are a few favorites:

"Theo, that was the dumbest... no wonder you get Ds..."

"I'll ride a motorbike."

"Drink 'er down."

"Come here. HERE. HERE."

There are many more, but to me, that's one of the methods of deciding what are the best movies or TV shows - easily quotable lines of dialogue. Movies like PULP FICTION, THE DEPARTED and THE BIG LEBOWSKI are laced with them. And, it's a great way to judge high art. The Cosby Show is on the top TV list of great quotes.

As a note, in my early twenties, I got a chance to meet a few of the former cast members, one of which I worked with. As a valet in the San Fernando Valley, I met a lifetime's worth of stars, sports heroes, B-list actors, burnt-out TVers, a few porno performers and one Joey Badofucco. I parked the car of Cockroach - no kidding. He's now a drug addict, living on 80s sitcom money, having mass orgies with Valley strippers in local four star hotels (on good days) and flea bag motels (every other day). But, he was a delight as a man.

The stand-out, though, was meeting Malcolm-Jamal Warner. There are very few days that go by without thinking of my few meetings with Malcolm... Theo. And, to this day, I still don't know if I let slip calling him 'Theo'. Hell, I might have. Every time I would meet him, whether it was at a gas station or TV set, I would go into this adrenaline induced haze. I couldn't think straight, not for a minute. My hands, feet and tongue would turn numb. And, all I could think about was when Theo got his ear pierced and tried to hide it from dad... I mean, Cliff... with the headphones. I felt like he was trying to hide the earring from ME! Any normal man would avoid these encounters at all cost. That seems logical. But, I actually craved them. Thrived on them. Call it what you will, it was better than any trendy bottle of Grey Goose vodka with Red Bull and a handful of vicodin. This was real life paranoia and excitement, all in one. I lost my original train of thought. Maybe those deeply embedded feelings were just resurfacing. Either way, it was a pleasure to have met the actor, and I'm proud to still have his cell phone number.

Okay. I'm done. I just wanted to share my feelings on what I thought was an integral part of the American standard. Please offer some fun memories of your run-ins with the Huxtables. I'd love to hear 'em. We all would.

WEDNESDAY'S ELECTION RESULTS

ELECTORAL VOTES

BARACK OBAMA - 364
JOHN McCAIN - 174

WINNER:

BARACK OBAMA

...with 53% of the popular vote - over 65 million votes!!!

This is a great day in America.

MONDAY'S ELECTION PREDICTION

ELECTORAL VOTES

BARACK OBAMA - 375
JOHN McCAIN - 163

WINNER:

BARACK OBAMA