I'll throw you the whip.
I admit it. I watch American Idol. I'm one of the 30 million people every week who do. Fine. Throw eggs at my house. Stone me in public. I don't care. I like the show. I complain the entire time it's on, and I vow to never watch it again... until next week, when I make sure to DVR an extra 10 minutes, just in case it runs over. It's not an addiction. I chose to watch. And, for all of my indie instincts, it's my one guilty pleasures. But, I have some issues (besides the obvious objections to horrible mass media brainwashing).
Why does Randy always say, "Welcome to Season 8!" when a contestant moves past Hollywood week? Aren't we already on Season 8? The cameras are rolling. I am watching. It's the fifth episode of the season. So... what doesn't Randy get about this? Actually, I'm convinced Randy blacks out and loses consciousness. Seriously. Watch Randy closely. He always says stuff like "I don't know if I like it" or "What?" after a performance. I think he really misses it. Maybe he has a short attention span. Or, maybe he goes into mini seizures (he is diabetic). Either way, I like him now. He's the most entertaining part of the show because of this revelation.
If Porky Pig and the guy in THE GREAT OUTDOORS who got struck by lightning 6... 6... 66 times had a kid, it would be Paul Adbul. Spit it out already! Has she ever had a clear, comprehensible thought? She told a blind man that he should step out from behind his piano and have more stage presence. Nuff said.
Kara DioGuardi just agrees with everything Randy says. She agrees with the guy that daydreams on live television. She peaked in the auditions. And, since then, she's been a broken record.
Everything that's needed to be said about Simon Cowell has already been said. I'll leave him alone. I do like when he says "rubbish" though. I like that word. I'm going to try integrating into daily conversation. It's a word that American women (Gwyneth Paltrow, Madonna, Jennifer Connelly) who are/were married to British men use. And, I like it.
Why are there so many token characters on this show? There's always a country singer, even if he is a horrible singer. This year, it's the tubby oil rig worker. And, why is that so endearing? Does he represent blue collar, Southern Americans because he works on an oil rig? Why does that earn him bonus points? Let's face it. He's a dipshit. He's useless. But, I guess if Bucky Covington went on to have a successful country music career, so can he. Everyone remembers Bucky, right? Yeah. He has a singing career. I guess when the songs in country music are about pick-up trucks, your dog, and buckets of paint, people like Bucky fit right in.
Megan Joy (who recently dropped her last name, Corkery - good call) has a big arm/shoulder tattoo. And, every time she sings, I can just hear all the conservative, uptight mothers across the country telling their daughters, "Ewwww... Look at that. That's disgusting. Oh, my good Lord. Don't you ever do something like that..." She won't make the top 5 because of these prejudiced sentiments. And, she should. She's THE most unique of all the singers on the show. Acts like Amy Winehouse and Duffy prove that there is a market for singers like her, but she will struggle with American Idol's audience.
Adam Lambert, are you kidding me? Brian Wright, are you kidding me that you know Adam Lambert's name? What are you? A reptile? Very scary. I hope that Flock of Seagulls haircut dies (again) soon. That haircut is getting way out of hand. And, that tongue. If I see that guy's tonsils again while murdering another great song, I might... well, I'll do nothing. I'll just complain a little more and tune in next week. But, this guy has ruined Johnny Cash AND The Rolling Stones. What's next? Pissing on a Tom Petty song?
I need a sequel to this post, I think. For now, this will have to do. Let me know what you think. Who do you think will win? Top 3? Write in.
** Rent CHE with Benicio Del Toro. I just watched Part I, and it was mind blowing. Sean Penn was right. Benicio should have been nominated. The film should have been, too. This might be Steven Soderbergh's best picture. And, that's saying something.
