Jack Lennon Wright was born on Tuesday, August 26, 2008 at 12:16 p.m. at a healthy 5 pounds 2 ounces. He's my first child. And, with him, my wife Tiffiny and I started a new tradition on birthdays. We've talked about it for a couple of years now. We knew that with our first kid, we'd kick the whole thing off. And, this morning, bright and early, instead of showering him with material items and presents, we donated $25 to John Prendergast's ENOUGH Project in Jack's name. Every birthday to follow will not be about receiving, but about giving.
We love music, and made it one of our number one priorities to have music playing in the delivery room. As fate would have it, in the moment that Jack was being born, John Lennon's "Imagine" came on and filled the room. A symbol? Maybe. Coincidence? Absolutely not. A great tune? Yes, sir-ree-bob. We were already kicking around middle name options, and one of the finalists was Lennon. But, we wanted to let the day play out and not force anything. Let's just say things worked out.
Most everyone knows The Beatles' music. A lot of people know about John Lennon's solo music. And, those who know about his music, know that most of his songs are charged with social and political themes. Ben Harper has a great line in his song "Better Way" - it says "What good is a cynic with no better plan?" A cynic John Lennon was not. He provided clear cut answers on how to solve some of the world's problems. And, for every person that called him naive, there were a thousand that took his message into their homes and spread the word, and lived those ideas.
We try and live by those Lennon messages of peace and love. Try. We definitely have our faults, and we certainly don't succeed all the time. In fact, I'm one of the most flawed people that I know. And, I don't have any answers. I only have more questions, a goal in mind, and a few ways I think I can help to achieve what I'd consider a great life. One of those ways is to give. Whether you consider it the Christian way, or charitable, or kind, I don't know. I'm not doing it to get a medal or honor. I just feel this is doing my tiny little part.
So, I encourage any and everyone to break those traditions of accepting gifts on your birthday. Throw a party, have a blast, drink alcohol, rock'n'roll... but, let people know that if they want to give you a gift, donate to a charity in your name. Imagine that. If everyone you knew donated to a charity on your birthday instead of buying you a watch or giving you a gift certificate or a DVD or a decorative candle, imagine the outcome. The world would be a little bit better of a place, and the only trade off is that your apartment wouldn't smell like Cinnamon Pumpkin. Not a bad trade.
Why did we pick ENOUGH Project? First, because it's a charity that uses means to try and stop crimes against humanity. To us, the worst thing in the world is violence against children. And, what the ENOUGH Project is fighting is that times three hundred thousand. This next part may be hard to hear, but it's essential to know because we're all part of the human kind. Women are being systematically raped, children are being abused, murdered, and forced to witness heinous acts. If you want a little taste of the horrific things happening, visit Mia Farrow's website http://www.miafarrow.org/. Read the articles. Look at the pictures. Research this stuff. Inform yourself. The more you know, the easier it gets to try and help. But, this isn't the only charity doing great work. There are many, many more. Chances are there's a Goodwill right around the corner from where you live.
As an aspiring film guy, I'm constantly writing about subjects that are important to me. I feel that films should be entertaining AND be something more. Sean Penn said on Inside The Actor's Studio something to the affect of "... if I want entertainment, I'll get an eight ball and a couple of hookers..." Obviously, he was proving a point. There can always be something more, and the best films always speak to the audience on different levels. I co-wrote a script called RIVER ROSE AND THE HORN OF AFRICA. I invented this character, River Rose, that is the best of us... what I aspire to be. He's a humanitarian, a philanthropist, but he's also an action hero. So, this is what I can do. I can write movies. And, I can donate small amounts of money.
And, every single person I know has unbelievably gifted qualities that they can use to help other people, too. Whether you're great at over-the-phone sales, or know sports facts and statistics, or you're a working class hero, or you can run a marathon, you can use your wonderful skills to help. That's what's so cool about it. Do what you do, and it'll all work out.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Vacation From It All
I've been kicking around the idea for this next topic for quite some time now. I've had brief discussions with a couple of different people about who is the FUNNIEST FILM ACTOR IN THEIR PRIME. And, I've always come back to one single actor/comedian. There a few names that always are in the top three or five, but one sticks out above the rest.
First, some notes. As a budding filmmaker, I'm in complete awe of anyone who's funny for a living. I simply cannot do what these brilliant geniuses do every day for millions of people. Comedy is the toughest of all the genres of film, by far. And, making someone laugh is probably the closest we can get on earth to a God-like or God-ish or God-y feeling. So, by not mentioning a comedian on this short list, it is in no way saying that I don't think they're funny. I will forget to mention some names. I race to the theater to see all comedies.
Another limitation to this list is the FILM actor part of it. There are stand-up comedians whose routines I've studied to the word and that I worship, but they're not on this list because they're mostly stand-up guys. Guys like Chris Rock (arguably the best current stand-up in the world), George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Dave Chappelle, Dane Cook - they might have done movies, but they're best in their act. Sometimes the silver screen actually takes away from their brilliance. Or, their act hasn't translated well yet into films. When it does, it'll be wonderful.
Additionally, there are comic geniuses that have specifically stayed on TV, or mostly on TV, that have not made the list. Again, I idolize these comedians. In fact, my hero, Larry David, is this group. Legends like Bill Cosby, Carol Burnett and Jerry Seinfeld must be named, but they are mostly TV and/or stand-up.
Also, I have another completely separate category for those who've paved the way. These are the comic influences who were first, but not necessarily the funniest. If not for them, we wouldn't have some of these on the list, or all on the list. But, they've obviously influenced the great comedic minds to follow, and these are guys like Lenny Bruce, Jerry Lewis, The Marx Bros., Chaplin, Laurel & Hardy and Keaton.
So, on to film actors. Some names that didn't make the top list, but I adore(d) and admire(d), are Chris Farley, John Candy, Sasha Baron Cohen, Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, Mike Myers, Mel Brooks, Chris Tucker, Steve Carrell, Tina Fey, Peter Sellers, Billy Crystal, Dan Aykroyd, Tim Allen, Dana Carvey, Ben Stiller, Paul Reiser, Nathan Lane, Richard Lewis, Martin Lawrence, Jack Black, Woody Allen, Martin Short, Lily Tomlin and Garry Shandling, to name just a few of the dozens of others. Remember, we're focusing on their prime. So, some of these names haven't hit their prime yet, or haven't accumulated enough great films/characters to push these top guys off, even though I love every name I just wrote.
One last mention is that the films had to be great. There are some funny roles, but the films aren't what I'd consider classics of comedy. And, the films had to be released in their prime years. So, without further ado, here's the list of seven funniest film actors in their prime:
Albert Brooks (TAXI DRIVER, MODERN ROMANCE, LOST IN AMERICA, BROADCAST NEWS, DEFENDING YOUR LIFE, MOTHER, THE MUSE) - A true comic genius who writes, directs and stars in his best movies. A lot of people claim that he's the West Coast Woody Allen. Although that could be considered flattering, I think it's a bit lazy. Albert Brooks is one of cinema's true comic auteurs. He shapes his films into tiny stories about us all, easily accessible. And, they're staples of their time without being dated. MODERN ROMANCE and LOST IN AMERICA are as relevant now as they were thirty years ago. His movies are can't miss events. My personal favorite is THE MUSE.
Robin Williams (GOOD MORNING VIETNAM, MRS. DOUBTFIRE, THE BIRDCAGE, GOOD WILL HUNTING) - I think of all the comedians on this list, Robin Williams has the toughest time. Capturing his comedy on screen is like trying to capture lightning in a bottle. He's so quick, so funny that sometimes his thoughts don't translate. But, when they do, it's magic. GOOD MORNING VIETNAM and MRS. DOUBTFIRE were perfect vehicles for him. They let him showcase his brilliant improv skills onto the screen. I think some of his funniest moments ever captured were those in interviews like Inside The Actor's Studio with James Lipton. But, my favorite role of his was that of Sean Maguire in GOOD WILL HUNTING. He was funny through out, but what was amazing was his giant heart.
Bill Murray (CADDYSHACK, GHOSTBUSTERS, WHAT ABOUT BOB?, GROUNDHOG DAY, KINGPIN, RUSHMORE, THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU) - I smile when I think of Bill Murray. He's one of us. A buddy. A pal who you golf with every weekend. He's the guy whose always got something to say about everything. The stand-out of his career is the way his comedy has matured and aged with grace. He started off as the goof, but in a film like RUSHMORE, he paced himself, bringing out a comic subtlety and such a nuanced performance that he actually reinvented his humor. He carried that on into subsequent Wes Anderson films like THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS and THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU. But, he struck comedy gold as Phil... Phil Connors in GROUNDHOG DAY. One of the most watchable movies ever, GROUNDHOG DAY exemplified his talent in so many ways.
Eddie Murphy (48 HRS., TRADING PLACES, BEVERLY HILLS COP, COMING TO AMERICA, BOWFINGER, SHREK) - Eddie Murphy was 21 years old when he started off in films. 21! And, because of that, he's in a category all by himself. Usually comedians are like great wine - they get better with age. Eddie Murphy is still funny, but in the 80s, he was classic. BEVERLY HILLS COP is one of those movies that redefined action, and set up a new genre - Action/Comedy. In the 90s, he did BOWFINGER, which is one of the funniest films of the last 10 years. But, his most quotable and best film is COMING TO AMERICA. This is where he started to do the Peter Sellers inspired more-than-one-role routine. And now, that's his calling card. A lot of critics and fans give Eddie Murphy a hard time because of his latest comedy roles, but I think he got so big so quick, that some of the rougher, more gritty comedy scripts haven't been thrown his way. I'd love for him to do an indie comedy. There is talk about him returning to the stage again, which is exciting. But, he's best when he's allowed to dive below the studio safety line.
Steve Martin (THE JERK, PLANES TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES, PARENTHOOD, FATHER OF THE BRIDE, BOWFINGER, BABY MAMA) - Of all the people on this list, he might have the best comic mind. I think he operates on levels that the mortal man can't even see. His books are too much - he's almost too smart at some points. Then, you watch THE JERK and realize that his humor has no limitations. He's a master at the remake, with films like FATHER OF THE BRIDE, CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN and THE PINK PANTHER. He can do any type of comedy. Physical. Check. Witty. Check. Low brow, high brow. Everything-in-between brow. And, he's written some masterworks like BOWFINGER. My favorite of his is PLANES TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES. The perfect blend of buddy humor and big heart, PLANES TRAINS has the most classic moments and is at the peak of the era.
Jim Carrey (ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE, DUMB & DUMBER, THE CABLE GUY, LIAR LIAR, MAN ON THE MOON, BRUCE ALMIGHTY, FUN WITH DICK AND JANE) - He came on the scene like the Tasmanian Devil with ACE VENTURA. Then, he gave us DUMB & DUMBER. He owned the nineties. The perfect LIAR LIAR came out. People considered THE CABLE GUY a failure, but I think it's one of the funniest movies of his. Some of his best lines come from THE CABLE GUY. "I buy this time, you buy next." "Well look who decided to show..." It was a Ben Stiller/Jim Carrey collaboration - come on! Then, he showed that he can act with the best of them by playing Andy Kaufman in MAN ON THE MOON. His Tony Clifton was funnier than the original Tony Clifton. BRUCE ALMIGHTY was a smash hit. But, the greatest thing about Jim Carrey is his maturation into a social and political commentator, but still as funny as ever. This might come as a shock, but FUN WITH DICK AND JANE is my favorite of his. Maybe it's because I've been down-and-out, electricity turned off, no food in the fridge. But, he maintains his hilarity, but also made an important picture challenging the status quo. He tackled corporate greed with a comic flare. If you don't agree with me on this one, watch it again soon. You'll see that he's managed to make us laugh... and THINK.
And, the gold medal goes to...
Chevy Chase (CADDYSHACK, VACATION, FLETCH, SPIES LIKE US, FUNNY FARM, CHRISTMAS VACATION) - There are some that have stayed in the spotlight longer. Some that have made more comedy money. Some that continue to make blockbuster comedies year in and year out, but for nine years from 1980 to 1989, there was no one as funny as Chevy Chase. His prime years beat anyone else's prime years. And, his classics are classics that will never fade, that have defined an age, and that are must-watches at certain times of the year. CADDYSHACK was a classic film. Some say it's the funniest comedy ever. Even though his role was small, it was crucial. Then, VACATION hit. That's only one of the funniest movies ever. He followed that up with FLETCH, one of cinema's greatest characters. When he teamed up with Dan Aykroyd in SPIES LIKE US, he gave us one of the best comedy scenes in history: "... Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor... aaaand Doctor." Then, the little seen FUNNY FARM came out, and floored everyone who saw it. "I don't want a rebate. I want a goddamn refund!" Then, the best movie he's ever made. To me, the funniest comedy ever. The movie that I watch every year at the holidays.
CHRISTMAS VACATION. This is the ultimate funny movie. And, his Clark W. Griswold is the funniest character in movies. The thing about Chevy Chase is that he's a really good actor. So, you're in from the beginning. But, CHRISTMAS VACATION starts with a classic comic setup and never stops. It just keeps getting funnier and funnier. "This is the spirit of the Griswold's family Christmas" in a perfect cold lisp. This is what makes Christmas special - this movie. If you've never seen it, run to Best Buy and purchase a copy. If you have, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Ahh... "That's it. That's the big one." Everyone's favorite comedy is different. I'd love to hear your opinions on who you think is the funniest actor. But, until you post and prove me wrong, Mr. Chevy Chase is king. Oh, and I have another question:
Why does Listerine hurt so much?
First, some notes. As a budding filmmaker, I'm in complete awe of anyone who's funny for a living. I simply cannot do what these brilliant geniuses do every day for millions of people. Comedy is the toughest of all the genres of film, by far. And, making someone laugh is probably the closest we can get on earth to a God-like or God-ish or God-y feeling. So, by not mentioning a comedian on this short list, it is in no way saying that I don't think they're funny. I will forget to mention some names. I race to the theater to see all comedies.
Another limitation to this list is the FILM actor part of it. There are stand-up comedians whose routines I've studied to the word and that I worship, but they're not on this list because they're mostly stand-up guys. Guys like Chris Rock (arguably the best current stand-up in the world), George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Dave Chappelle, Dane Cook - they might have done movies, but they're best in their act. Sometimes the silver screen actually takes away from their brilliance. Or, their act hasn't translated well yet into films. When it does, it'll be wonderful.
Additionally, there are comic geniuses that have specifically stayed on TV, or mostly on TV, that have not made the list. Again, I idolize these comedians. In fact, my hero, Larry David, is this group. Legends like Bill Cosby, Carol Burnett and Jerry Seinfeld must be named, but they are mostly TV and/or stand-up.
Also, I have another completely separate category for those who've paved the way. These are the comic influences who were first, but not necessarily the funniest. If not for them, we wouldn't have some of these on the list, or all on the list. But, they've obviously influenced the great comedic minds to follow, and these are guys like Lenny Bruce, Jerry Lewis, The Marx Bros., Chaplin, Laurel & Hardy and Keaton.
So, on to film actors. Some names that didn't make the top list, but I adore(d) and admire(d), are Chris Farley, John Candy, Sasha Baron Cohen, Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, Mike Myers, Mel Brooks, Chris Tucker, Steve Carrell, Tina Fey, Peter Sellers, Billy Crystal, Dan Aykroyd, Tim Allen, Dana Carvey, Ben Stiller, Paul Reiser, Nathan Lane, Richard Lewis, Martin Lawrence, Jack Black, Woody Allen, Martin Short, Lily Tomlin and Garry Shandling, to name just a few of the dozens of others. Remember, we're focusing on their prime. So, some of these names haven't hit their prime yet, or haven't accumulated enough great films/characters to push these top guys off, even though I love every name I just wrote.
One last mention is that the films had to be great. There are some funny roles, but the films aren't what I'd consider classics of comedy. And, the films had to be released in their prime years. So, without further ado, here's the list of seven funniest film actors in their prime:
Albert Brooks (TAXI DRIVER, MODERN ROMANCE, LOST IN AMERICA, BROADCAST NEWS, DEFENDING YOUR LIFE, MOTHER, THE MUSE) - A true comic genius who writes, directs and stars in his best movies. A lot of people claim that he's the West Coast Woody Allen. Although that could be considered flattering, I think it's a bit lazy. Albert Brooks is one of cinema's true comic auteurs. He shapes his films into tiny stories about us all, easily accessible. And, they're staples of their time without being dated. MODERN ROMANCE and LOST IN AMERICA are as relevant now as they were thirty years ago. His movies are can't miss events. My personal favorite is THE MUSE.
Robin Williams (GOOD MORNING VIETNAM, MRS. DOUBTFIRE, THE BIRDCAGE, GOOD WILL HUNTING) - I think of all the comedians on this list, Robin Williams has the toughest time. Capturing his comedy on screen is like trying to capture lightning in a bottle. He's so quick, so funny that sometimes his thoughts don't translate. But, when they do, it's magic. GOOD MORNING VIETNAM and MRS. DOUBTFIRE were perfect vehicles for him. They let him showcase his brilliant improv skills onto the screen. I think some of his funniest moments ever captured were those in interviews like Inside The Actor's Studio with James Lipton. But, my favorite role of his was that of Sean Maguire in GOOD WILL HUNTING. He was funny through out, but what was amazing was his giant heart.
Bill Murray (CADDYSHACK, GHOSTBUSTERS, WHAT ABOUT BOB?, GROUNDHOG DAY, KINGPIN, RUSHMORE, THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU) - I smile when I think of Bill Murray. He's one of us. A buddy. A pal who you golf with every weekend. He's the guy whose always got something to say about everything. The stand-out of his career is the way his comedy has matured and aged with grace. He started off as the goof, but in a film like RUSHMORE, he paced himself, bringing out a comic subtlety and such a nuanced performance that he actually reinvented his humor. He carried that on into subsequent Wes Anderson films like THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS and THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU. But, he struck comedy gold as Phil... Phil Connors in GROUNDHOG DAY. One of the most watchable movies ever, GROUNDHOG DAY exemplified his talent in so many ways.
Eddie Murphy (48 HRS., TRADING PLACES, BEVERLY HILLS COP, COMING TO AMERICA, BOWFINGER, SHREK) - Eddie Murphy was 21 years old when he started off in films. 21! And, because of that, he's in a category all by himself. Usually comedians are like great wine - they get better with age. Eddie Murphy is still funny, but in the 80s, he was classic. BEVERLY HILLS COP is one of those movies that redefined action, and set up a new genre - Action/Comedy. In the 90s, he did BOWFINGER, which is one of the funniest films of the last 10 years. But, his most quotable and best film is COMING TO AMERICA. This is where he started to do the Peter Sellers inspired more-than-one-role routine. And now, that's his calling card. A lot of critics and fans give Eddie Murphy a hard time because of his latest comedy roles, but I think he got so big so quick, that some of the rougher, more gritty comedy scripts haven't been thrown his way. I'd love for him to do an indie comedy. There is talk about him returning to the stage again, which is exciting. But, he's best when he's allowed to dive below the studio safety line.
Steve Martin (THE JERK, PLANES TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES, PARENTHOOD, FATHER OF THE BRIDE, BOWFINGER, BABY MAMA) - Of all the people on this list, he might have the best comic mind. I think he operates on levels that the mortal man can't even see. His books are too much - he's almost too smart at some points. Then, you watch THE JERK and realize that his humor has no limitations. He's a master at the remake, with films like FATHER OF THE BRIDE, CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN and THE PINK PANTHER. He can do any type of comedy. Physical. Check. Witty. Check. Low brow, high brow. Everything-in-between brow. And, he's written some masterworks like BOWFINGER. My favorite of his is PLANES TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES. The perfect blend of buddy humor and big heart, PLANES TRAINS has the most classic moments and is at the peak of the era.
Jim Carrey (ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE, DUMB & DUMBER, THE CABLE GUY, LIAR LIAR, MAN ON THE MOON, BRUCE ALMIGHTY, FUN WITH DICK AND JANE) - He came on the scene like the Tasmanian Devil with ACE VENTURA. Then, he gave us DUMB & DUMBER. He owned the nineties. The perfect LIAR LIAR came out. People considered THE CABLE GUY a failure, but I think it's one of the funniest movies of his. Some of his best lines come from THE CABLE GUY. "I buy this time, you buy next." "Well look who decided to show..." It was a Ben Stiller/Jim Carrey collaboration - come on! Then, he showed that he can act with the best of them by playing Andy Kaufman in MAN ON THE MOON. His Tony Clifton was funnier than the original Tony Clifton. BRUCE ALMIGHTY was a smash hit. But, the greatest thing about Jim Carrey is his maturation into a social and political commentator, but still as funny as ever. This might come as a shock, but FUN WITH DICK AND JANE is my favorite of his. Maybe it's because I've been down-and-out, electricity turned off, no food in the fridge. But, he maintains his hilarity, but also made an important picture challenging the status quo. He tackled corporate greed with a comic flare. If you don't agree with me on this one, watch it again soon. You'll see that he's managed to make us laugh... and THINK.
And, the gold medal goes to...
Chevy Chase (CADDYSHACK, VACATION, FLETCH, SPIES LIKE US, FUNNY FARM, CHRISTMAS VACATION) - There are some that have stayed in the spotlight longer. Some that have made more comedy money. Some that continue to make blockbuster comedies year in and year out, but for nine years from 1980 to 1989, there was no one as funny as Chevy Chase. His prime years beat anyone else's prime years. And, his classics are classics that will never fade, that have defined an age, and that are must-watches at certain times of the year. CADDYSHACK was a classic film. Some say it's the funniest comedy ever. Even though his role was small, it was crucial. Then, VACATION hit. That's only one of the funniest movies ever. He followed that up with FLETCH, one of cinema's greatest characters. When he teamed up with Dan Aykroyd in SPIES LIKE US, he gave us one of the best comedy scenes in history: "... Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor... aaaand Doctor." Then, the little seen FUNNY FARM came out, and floored everyone who saw it. "I don't want a rebate. I want a goddamn refund!" Then, the best movie he's ever made. To me, the funniest comedy ever. The movie that I watch every year at the holidays.
CHRISTMAS VACATION. This is the ultimate funny movie. And, his Clark W. Griswold is the funniest character in movies. The thing about Chevy Chase is that he's a really good actor. So, you're in from the beginning. But, CHRISTMAS VACATION starts with a classic comic setup and never stops. It just keeps getting funnier and funnier. "This is the spirit of the Griswold's family Christmas" in a perfect cold lisp. This is what makes Christmas special - this movie. If you've never seen it, run to Best Buy and purchase a copy. If you have, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Ahh... "That's it. That's the big one." Everyone's favorite comedy is different. I'd love to hear your opinions on who you think is the funniest actor. But, until you post and prove me wrong, Mr. Chevy Chase is king. Oh, and I have another question:
Why does Listerine hurt so much?
Thursday, August 14, 2008
"You're Late." "Traffic."
Those were lines from the 1996 Arnold Schwarzenegger film ERASER. Vanessa Williams, in a pretty hairy situation involving zoo animals and special forces gunmen, turns to our hero and and questions his tardiness. And, in his still thick accent after forty years in America, Arnold utters "Traffic." And, she gets it. She doesn't say another word about it. It's understood. Case closed. Good night. See ya later. As Larry David would say... "Okay."
Traffic. My latest arch enemy. It used to be that Stephen A. Smith was my nemesis. As an avid NBA fan, I enjoy the season's weekly ESPN broadcast full of highlights, replays, dunks, domination... NOT Stephen A. Smith. Really, Stephen A. Smith? Sometimes I think networks hire analysts (and I use the word 'analyst' loosely when describing Stephen A.) to just plain annoy us fans. And, unfortunately, annoying = ratings. Look at Bill O'Reilly. Stephen A. Smith is in O'Reily's category. Everything that comes out of this guy's mouth is hard to hear. There's a rhythm to it like there's a rhythm to Snots "yacking on a bone" in CHRISTMAS VACATION. But, I like Snots. Stephen A. Smith - the same guy who thought the Celtics made a mistake picking up Ray Allen. The same guy who steps on the great Bill Walton's toes every broadcast night. He's the worst. But, if I had a choice between watching The Stephen A. Smith Show telethon or sitting in traffic, I'd turn on the surround sound for Mr. Smith, kick up my feet, and yabba, dabba, doo.
Traffic, man. Or, WO-man. It hurts thinking about it. Ow! And, Los Angeles traffic is the worst. I never took my driver's education course here, so I don't know exactly how it works in the great state of California (say 'California' how Arnold says it - say it...). But, I'm guessing one of the lessons goes a little something like this:
Ted the Driving Instructor: "Okay, son. We're gonna go out today and learn a couple of tricks that'll help ya out on the streets of SoCal. Lesson one. Let's say you're out driving. And, you wanna take a left turn. Here's what you do... Get all the way in the right lane."
16-Year-Old Brian: "But, you just said LEFT turn..."
Ted the Driving Instructor: "I know, son. Now shut up and listen."
16-Year-Old Brian: "Okay..."
Ted the Driving Instructor: "All right, now. You're in the right line. All the way right. The light's coming up soon, about a hundred yards away. Stay in that right lane! Stay there! Patience, boy! Wait for it! Now, you're about fifty yards away from that left turn, but you damn well better stay in that right lane! All right. You're driving. You're driving. And, when you're ten feet from the intersection - I said ten 'feet', not ten yards - when you're ten feet away from your turn, jerk the steering wheel to the left, cross four lanes of traffic, cut off six cars, and jump into the left turn lane. But, make sure the ass of your car is sticking out into traffic. All right?! Then, when the light's been red for at least three seconds and you hear at least one honk, then you go ahead and make your turn. That's standard, textbook California driving boy."
16-Year-Old Brian: "Uh..."
That move is one of many bold, lunatic moves of Southern California drivers. Another great move is the ol' Swirve-Into-Your-Lane-On-The-Freeway trick. It's great because you get to taste death. And, that really puts things into perspective. Another move is the Nice-Car-Stopped-For-No-Reason. It could be a Lexus. It could be a Focus. I know gas is expensive, but... It's at least once a day. One time a day I'll see a girl in her BMW with the hazard lights flashing in the middle of the road. Government conspiracy to cause more traffic which in turn uses more gas which in turn lines the pockets of the evil oil companies perched high up in their towers of destructive power...? I think so. :)
California also just made into law the hands-free cell phone in the car. You cannot talk on your cell phone using your hands in the car... unless you're EVERYONE. I've never seen so many doing just that. Nice law, Arnold.
All right... As I think of or experience more daily traffic blunders, I'll let you know. I'll personally call each one of you and tell you what happened. We'll relive it together. Until next time, be well everyone. But, before I go, I'll leave you on this note:
Why do all tourists visiting Los Angeles rent convertible Mustangs?
Traffic. My latest arch enemy. It used to be that Stephen A. Smith was my nemesis. As an avid NBA fan, I enjoy the season's weekly ESPN broadcast full of highlights, replays, dunks, domination... NOT Stephen A. Smith. Really, Stephen A. Smith? Sometimes I think networks hire analysts (and I use the word 'analyst' loosely when describing Stephen A.) to just plain annoy us fans. And, unfortunately, annoying = ratings. Look at Bill O'Reilly. Stephen A. Smith is in O'Reily's category. Everything that comes out of this guy's mouth is hard to hear. There's a rhythm to it like there's a rhythm to Snots "yacking on a bone" in CHRISTMAS VACATION. But, I like Snots. Stephen A. Smith - the same guy who thought the Celtics made a mistake picking up Ray Allen. The same guy who steps on the great Bill Walton's toes every broadcast night. He's the worst. But, if I had a choice between watching The Stephen A. Smith Show telethon or sitting in traffic, I'd turn on the surround sound for Mr. Smith, kick up my feet, and yabba, dabba, doo.
Traffic, man. Or, WO-man. It hurts thinking about it. Ow! And, Los Angeles traffic is the worst. I never took my driver's education course here, so I don't know exactly how it works in the great state of California (say 'California' how Arnold says it - say it...). But, I'm guessing one of the lessons goes a little something like this:
Ted the Driving Instructor: "Okay, son. We're gonna go out today and learn a couple of tricks that'll help ya out on the streets of SoCal. Lesson one. Let's say you're out driving. And, you wanna take a left turn. Here's what you do... Get all the way in the right lane."
16-Year-Old Brian: "But, you just said LEFT turn..."
Ted the Driving Instructor: "I know, son. Now shut up and listen."
16-Year-Old Brian: "Okay..."
Ted the Driving Instructor: "All right, now. You're in the right line. All the way right. The light's coming up soon, about a hundred yards away. Stay in that right lane! Stay there! Patience, boy! Wait for it! Now, you're about fifty yards away from that left turn, but you damn well better stay in that right lane! All right. You're driving. You're driving. And, when you're ten feet from the intersection - I said ten 'feet', not ten yards - when you're ten feet away from your turn, jerk the steering wheel to the left, cross four lanes of traffic, cut off six cars, and jump into the left turn lane. But, make sure the ass of your car is sticking out into traffic. All right?! Then, when the light's been red for at least three seconds and you hear at least one honk, then you go ahead and make your turn. That's standard, textbook California driving boy."
16-Year-Old Brian: "Uh..."
That move is one of many bold, lunatic moves of Southern California drivers. Another great move is the ol' Swirve-Into-Your-Lane-On-The-Freeway trick. It's great because you get to taste death. And, that really puts things into perspective. Another move is the Nice-Car-Stopped-For-No-Reason. It could be a Lexus. It could be a Focus. I know gas is expensive, but... It's at least once a day. One time a day I'll see a girl in her BMW with the hazard lights flashing in the middle of the road. Government conspiracy to cause more traffic which in turn uses more gas which in turn lines the pockets of the evil oil companies perched high up in their towers of destructive power...? I think so. :)
California also just made into law the hands-free cell phone in the car. You cannot talk on your cell phone using your hands in the car... unless you're EVERYONE. I've never seen so many doing just that. Nice law, Arnold.
All right... As I think of or experience more daily traffic blunders, I'll let you know. I'll personally call each one of you and tell you what happened. We'll relive it together. Until next time, be well everyone. But, before I go, I'll leave you on this note:
Why do all tourists visiting Los Angeles rent convertible Mustangs?
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